Confession: I’m a Liberal, but My Tears Aren’t

Wow. This is a tough confession to make. I, a longstanding believer of left-leaning ideologies have had to come to the shocking conclusion that when someone online tells me to go cry my liberal tears, I’m unable to do so. I know! I’m just as shocked as you are, but every time I try, they just don’t come out right. The reason I am writing this is because I know I’m not the only one out there with this problem. And if you are reading this and you also suffer from this problem, know that you are not alone.

It all started on November 15, 2016. I remember the day well. I put on my best pair of khakis and a sensible cardigan, sat down at the table with my daily breakfast of Honey Nut Cheerios and a cup of English Breakfast Tea. I was still reeling from the results of the elections, as I am sure a lot you were. I was going through the comments section of a New York Times article I had posted to my Facebook about why Hillary Clinton should have been our next President when Sam Firth from my high school commented, “Get over it!!!! Crooked Hilary lost!! Go cry ur libral snoflke tears’’.

So many questions. Why did Sam wait 10 years to comment on something I had posted? How could we be byproducts of the same education system when he clearly does not have a coherent grip on the English language? What the fuck is going on? I didn’t know what to do, so I panicked. I did the only thing I could do. I cried my liberal snowflake tears.

Or so I thought…

You see, I’ve had this issue ever since I was a young lad. Every time I make an effort to cry, I can’t. Or rather I can, I just don’t cry normal tears like everyone else. Instead, I shoot balls of fire out of my eyes. Red hot fireballs like laser beams shoot right out of there, causing chaos and destruction supreme.

It’s not just politics, either. It seems no matter what the situation, I can’t seem to make my tears liberal enough. All that comes out are these angry fireballs and I cannot seem to make it stop. I’ve been called a “freak” my entire life. I’ve even started wearing protective sunglasses to keep it from happening. But whenever I start crying or feel the need to unleash my powers against the evil of the world, I just let everything go.

I’m at a weird place in my life, as I think we all are. If you’re anything like me, just know that there is a safe space in this world for you. I recently discovered a school for people like me, so who knows? Maybe one day I’ll manage to cure this sickness. Or maybe, just maybe, I can harness these tears for good and save the world with them.

Who am I kidding? We’re all fucked.

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