I Wrote A Much Better Version of Every Blockbuster In 2016 That You’ll Never See.
Hi there. You probably don’t know me (yet), but I’m an aspiring filmmaker/writer out of Ojai, California. And here’s the thing, I’m pretty good at it too. I let my roommate Brody read my scripts and he says they’re tight AF. But you wouldn’t know that. And you probably never will. You see, I wrote a script for every major movie that came out in 2016. Ghostbusters? Wrote it. Rogue One? Wrote it. That Hunger Games Knock-Off with Shailene Woodley? Yep. I fucking wrote it.
Here’s the thing though, you’ll never get to see any of them.
This is what I hate about the bullshit Hollywood elite. They’re afraid to take a risk on a young, fresh, brilliant outsider anymore. They want more of these bland, by-the-numbers superhero movies and less movies like Hardcore Henry (my personal favorite film of the last decade). You would think that my dad being a PA to JJ Abrams when he wrote for Felicity would get me somewhere. You’d be wrong. Which is fine. JJ Abrams is a totally overrated hack who sucks harder than an 8 year-old eating Warheads. At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Well of course you think you’re a talented screenwriter. But I’ll be the judge of that.” Don’t worry, feeble-minded pleebs. Here’s an excerpt from the script I wrote for Fantastic Four:
Pretty sweet stuff, huh? I thought so too. But the execs at Marvel wouldn’t even let me put my foot in the door. Neither would the Star Wars people! Which sucks because I had a great pitch for a sequel to Rogue One that picks up right where that movie left off. Jokes on them though. I have a million scripts that are better than any of that shit they shove down our throats. Whatever, I’m more than just a part-time sales clerk at AT&T. I’m a goddamn artist.
Look, I know that these suits want “professionals” with “experience” who didn’t drop out of high school because shit’s really hard. I get that. But as a white male in our society, I’m quickly becoming the minority, and I’m worried that my voice will no longer be heard.
Do I blame myself? No. I blame on this fucking P.C. culture that we’ve built. People are so busy trying to make sure everyone has an “equal voice” that they’re missing my voice! The next voice of this generation. Ask any of my 108 Twitter followers and they’ll tell you how fucking funny and original I am! (@downtomytoes is my Twitter handle in case you’re looking to follow)
For those of you who are still my loyal fans, don’t worry. I’ll keep churning these scripts out for you. I’m already at work on the next Bond movie. The twist? Instead of being some crabby old British fuck, James Bond is actually a sexy, slightly overweight 28 year old from Ojai who likes to shoot guns and make out with chicks. You see, I’m not just a writer/filmmaker, I’m also an actor, which makes me a triple threat. And a threat to the Hollywood elite. So a four-ple threat.
Until then, I’m just going keep on keeping on. Someone has to poke holes in the shit Hollywood keeps greenlighting while my goddamn art keeps getting overlooked. And that someone is me. Who knows? We may even get another film soon with a brooding white guy as the protagonist. If not in my lifetime, hopefully in my kids lifetime.