Unite Students is probably the worst company I have ever had any dealings with, after you’ve paid an excessive amount for a room no bigger than Harry Potters original digs, you would assume you are going to get quality; Unless you live at The Forge.
Living at the forge is like spending a day at a casino. A casino filled with dealers who have no idea what they are doing and security staff who have jobs walking dogs in the daytime. The place is riddled with faults. Faults that most 18 year olds couldn’t dream of noticing because they are too busy tweeting about their “Cheeky Nando’s” or telling their accomplice that those words he just said constitute as “Top Bants”.
This place gives off the feeling that Poundland would be ashamed of its quality and if David Cameron came here to stay for a night, he would appoint Ed Balls as chief director just to sort it out.
You see, if the majority of your customers are young, naive and have the collective life experience of say… I don’t know, a parakeet. Then you are going to get a little intoxicated on the way your performance appears. The key word here is appears. Will, Tom and Leroy have never dealt with a real company. They don’t know that if you pay a person money to do a thing and they don’t do a fucking good job, then you take the money off of them and tell them that that spaghetti was shit and you wouldn’t let Frank the homeless man eat it. If however you aren’t an idiot, then you will know the difference between good service and poor.
In the Forge if your key-card doesn’t malfunction then you can count on your door developing alzheimer’s, whilst you were at Uni, and forgetting its own identity. Since Unite clearly signed a contract with Fisher Price, you get the general feeling that everything is going to burst into flames on contact and go wrong no matter what. And it does. If this does happen however you can count on some of their sterling security staff to come up whenever the fuck the feel like it. The best comment we’ve had from them so far, after 2 hours of waiting at 2 in the morning was “what’s the rush mate?” Yeah you’re right actually. What is the rush? It’s only the place I pay to live in; you were probably doing something important like sitting down or reading the alphabet again.
Once you’ve managed to get on the Internet, Internet with speeds so slow you can only assume that your data is being carried on a Shetland pony, you find a Unite login screen that pollutes you every time your horse needs to stop for a drink, assumedly.
If you decide that their shitty Internet and their shitty accommodation is all too much for you then you could decide to go out. Nip to Aldi perhaps to see some comparable Quality, actually that isn’t fair on Aldi, but if you do venture out of this apparent utopia then get your dice ready for whether the side gate will be fucking chained up or not.
On your return you may fancy checking your post. A delivery notification, from Amazon! My book on “How to run a business” has arrived. I’m sure the manager will enjoy this token of good will. Alas… “Yeah it’s not here”. The nice Forge lady says whilst putting down her colouring book. Me: “it is here, Amazon said so”. “Nah its defo not” Yeah your probably right, they are probably lying. You haven’t made any errors so far. It’s likely to be this multimillion-pound company telling lies. What a bunch of liars. Bloody Amazon.