How to deal with any and all problems
For you who are about to read, I would like to remind you that this text is nothing more than a log of my opinions. Nothing more, nothing less. I am not the bearer of the truth, much less I allege that any opinion expressed here is based on the truth. I’ll lie to you.
The reason I insist that these are the first words is that I no longer have certainties. I was always a skeptic, which turned me away from religion very early in life. The problem is that lately this skepticism has been amplified. I have doubted myself, my relationships, what I feel and what I believe.
Much of this is the consequence of one of the most significant events in my life. What is exactly is irrelevant at the moment, the important thing is that it was those events that changed everything in my life, everything. Everyday life, feelings, beliefs, my friendships and my personal perception of who I am. I hate change. I despise it. I have an irrational fear of change. Changes cause discomfort, it forces me to adapt to something new. When I see change in the horizon I feel my stomach contracting. In short, I do not know how to deal with change because I have no illusions that I am a wise person. I am aware that I do not know how to live and that life does not have a manual.
My expectation when facing changes is always the most pessimistic and that sucks. This makes me constantly anxious. When I try to put that feeling into words it always comes to mind the following scene: I’m completely naked and unarmed in a World War II trench fighting an enemy hidden behind a fog while I hope that at any moment an airstrike will fall on my head. Dramatic right? I know, but it’s the best way I can explain how I feel every moment that I’m minimally self-conscious. Just writing this text was a torture, because I am being forced to deal with various things that I would rather pretend to not exist.
I always felt this way, but after the great cataclysmic event, these feelings were amplified. Really amplified. How am I dealing with this? Well, to tell you the truth, I’m not. I have not found a way to really handle it yet. It’s one of those issues that does not have a definitive solution, nothing you do will make you feel good about it, you either learn not to care anymore or you go on living ignoring reality and denying that there is a problem. This is my problem with self-help texts, they always have that tone: “everything will be just fine”. Always saying how simple the solution is and you just have to believe. No! The problem is not that I refuse to accept the seemingly obvious solutions that blog posts is shoving down my throat. These self-help texts are written by someone who seems to be in seems to be in possession of the manual of life, filled with made up positive words, hard life lessons and punch lines that appeal to my emotional.
The problem is life, life is fucked up. There are no binary truths. “Good and bad” or “right and wrong”. Life seems like a confusing gradient full of rules with more exceptions to these rules that a sane person can remember. It is impossible to live without simplifying all this in absolute philosophies that can guide your life in a practical way so that we can make decisions in the day to day.
At the moment, I am completely stripped of any philosophy that allows me to make decisions without effort, disarmed of my certainties, struggling to be fair to everyone around me, without even being able to see who people are really are. The cherry on the cake is that life does not stop, and any time a new problem will fall on my head.
It is tempting to end the this with a very emotional punch line with which you can connect and feel that all problems have been resolved. But the truth is that I do not know how to solve these problems, and like many people, I’m looking for these abstract answers to solve my life. Maybe it’s 42, I do not know. If you find the manual of life, send me the pdf link.