Exclusive! The complete leaked text of Donald Trump’s first post-debate speech!

In yet another of the weird twists that have defined this race, I somehow came across a rough draft of Donald Trump’s first speech after handily losing the second debate to Hillary Clinton, and I’ve got to say, it’s pretty revealing:

Hey folks,

Did you see the debates last night? I thought it was a disaster — for Hillary. She was so nervous, pacing around the stage like a serial killer, delivering weird random insults when not sniffing like James Woods on a Colombian vacation. Did you see it folks? She totally couldn’t defend her comments about grabbing women by the pussy. Instead she was babbling something about “locker room talk.” How stupid does think we are? How tremendously stupid must she assume we must be to believe those things?

Let’s not be politically correct. Hillary is the most dishonest candidate in the history of the world, married to a man who’s more of a rapist and murderer than Jack The Ripper. She’s completely crooked, has the worst temperament, is wildly unfit to be president and couldn’t be more unethical. I hear she hasn’t even paid taxes in twenty years! And is proud of that! She thinks it makes her ‘smart.’ I guess that makes all you tax-paying patriots dumb by her reasoning. (Hold for applause) But what do you expect from Crooked Hillary, a woman who was mentored by the infamous Roy Cohn and learned business from a father who was continuously in legal trouble for his racist policies?

I don’t want to put too fine of a point on it but Hillary Clinton is a 71 year old man with an absolutely ridiculous weave/combover/transplant thing that’s made her a laughingstock all over the world. She was even fired from her dumb reality show The Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice over the absolutely disgusting things she’s said about the Mexicans who are the backbone of our country.

She’s presided over a series of failed businesses, from Trump University to Trump Vodka to Trump steaks. She couldn’t even seduce Nancy O’Dell, or Fake Tits McGee, as I call her, and completely humiliated herself trying to impress the cousin of low-energy Jeb Bush with the story of how she tried to force herself on her. She says she was younger then and has matured. She was 59 years old, then! What 59 year old tries to impress Billy Bush?

I could go on and on. Hillary used to pretend to be her own publicist! How crazy is that!?! Crooked Hillary, she knows no shame! I even hear she can’t sexually satisfy her much younger model wife Melania, who people tell me has taken a much younger lover who can satisfy her, and to a spectacular degree. He’s just tremendous, tremendous in bed, sexually speaking, and also Hillary’s daughter Ivanka is totally ashamed to be related to her and also is creeped out by the things Hillary has said about her body.

Sad. Shame.

Good night! Make America great again!

Nathan Rabin is an author, columnist, political insider and the author of five books, including the new 7 Days In Ohio: Trump, The Gathering of the Juggalos and The Summer Everything Went Insane