Rolling Stone’s New Twenty-Something Party Editor: The Movie

The internet is abuzz with rumors that Rolling Stone founder Jenn Wenner will soon be handing the torch to his twenty-something son, who I am going to assume is named Scooter. What will Scooter’s stint running Rolling Stone look and feel like? Probably exactly like the following short film script I just wrote.

Uptight Nerd Type: I’ve assembled you here so that you can all meet the new Editor-In-Chief of Rolling Stone, Scooter Wenner. According to his MySpace page his hobbies including, “Partying, Wolfing pussy, drinking brews with his bros, partying, partying and the Hangover trilogy.” I’m sure he’ll be a fine addition to the corporation. Mr. Wenner will now address you and share some of his ideas for the company going forward.

Scooter Wenner struts out in holding an electric guitar, wearing sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt/cargo shorts/flip flops combo. He hits a metal chord, sticks out his tongue, then addresses his employees.

Scooter Wenner: Uh yes, first I’d like to address where you butt munches bought your get-ups. Did you steal them from corpses or buy them from Nerds R’ Us? Scooter’s First Rule: new dress code. I’m talking blond tips for men and women, shades 24–7, Hawaiian shirts, cargo shorts and flip-flops! No exception! We’ve got to look like an Olympics partying team, not a collection of gaywads and nerdlingers.

Uptight Employee: Sir, I wish you would stop using phrases such as “gaywads” they are highly inappropriate and in direct violation of Code 4.3 of the Employee Handbook.

Scooter Wenner: Uh, Exsqueeze me? Homo say what? Me Big Chief Running Cool Magazine not know of no Pale face’s “Employee handbook.”

Uptight Employee: Yes, you do, sir. We discussed it this morning.

Scooter Wenner: Employee handbook? I just revised the employee handbook to a single sentence: “All employees must party all the time.”

Uptight Employee: Sir, that’s hardly conducive to running a profitable ands sustainable business, particularly in this harsh media climate.

Scooter Wenner: I don’t see you partying, Poindexter! That is in the new employee handbook, which, need I remind you, consist of a single directive: “everybody must party all the time.” Now, party, or you’re fired and your family will starve. Those found in violation of that one simple rule will be forced to do shots until they die of alcohol poisoning.

Uptight Employee: (begins gyrating awkwardly and sweating profusely) Sir, how are we to balance this new directive to “party all the time” with our responsibilities as employees?

Scooter Wenner: You can party while working, but if I look at you and you aren’t partying, I will have your family killed. Now you, fart-knocker in the square get-up what are you working on?

Nervous Employee: Uh, I am working on a cover story on Paul McCartney, who is coming out of the closet with a really incredible piece that will-

Scooter Wenner: Boring! I just died of boredom. Never heard of the fruit.

Nervous Employee: You’ve never heard of Paul McCartney or his band The Beatles?

Scooter Wenner: The Whotles? Now you’re just making shit up. Now HERE’S next month’s cover story: Limp Bizkit: Are They Still In It For The Nookie? A Rolling Stone Investigation.” I want every reporter on the story. This is our Watergate, people, but bigger!

CUT TO A MONTH LATER

Impressed Employee: Sending your entire staff out to cover the “Nookie” story was a work of genius! That was our best-selling issue of all time! And it already won the Nobel Prize.

Scooter Wenner: Of course it did! I’m a funkadelic space-monster party genius from beyond the grave! Now I’VE got a question for you, your Royal Gayness: How much would it cost to make a magazine that’s also a bong?

Disgruntled Employee: We know this because you’ve already asked me this question over a dozen times. It’s 67.47, or prohibitively expensive.

Scooter Wenner: Not if we charge a million dollars! Then we’d score a sweet thousand dollar profit on each one! Schwing!

Disgruntled Employee: With all due respect, sir, you are maybe the stupidest person I’ve ever encountered.

Scooter Wenner: Thanks! I don’t care if it costs over a hundred dollars per issue, from now on every issue of Rolling Stone is a bong, a magazine and a smart phone with NBA Jam and Tecmo Bowl on it. Make it so!

Disgruntled Employee: You can’t just say, “Make it so!” and make it so. Also a lot of the employees are dying from exhaustion over your new “Party all the time” directive. A lot of them are confused as to how they’re supposed to be partying while they sleep and the stress is tearing a lot of families apart and resulting in a plethora of deaths, lawsuits and bad morale.

Scooter Wenner: In that case, everyone is fired! And re-hired specifically to be professional partiers. You! Are you partying right now!

Disgruntled Employee: I’m trying. I’m dancing a little and I’m nursing a beer and —

Scooter Wenner: Lame! Fired. But before you box up your belongings write up a memo explaining that Spuds Mackenzie, the original party animal, is going to be on the cover of every issue of Rolling Stone going forward. I want him to be an aspirational figure. Also, too many people have forgotten about him.

Disgruntled Employee: Grumble, Grumble

Scooter Wenner: I said “Make it so!”

Scooter Wenner’s “All Spuds Mackenzie All the Time” policy revolutionized publishing and single-handedly saved the magazine industry. Scooter won all of the Pulitzers, and the Nobels and even some Kid’s Choice and Blockbuster awards even as Rolling Stone’s “All partying all the time” policy led to the deaths of every single employee

Nathan Rabin is a columnist and author of five books, including You Don’t Know Me But You Don’t Like Me (a Rolling Stone best book of 2013, seriously)most recently of the Ebook 7 Days In Ohio: Trump, The Gathering Of The Juggalos And The Summer Everything Went Insane