Dear Apple, your naming scheme stinks.

aka 10 Better Naming Schemes for macOS

Apple, you used to have one of the best naming schemes around. Large cats: Panther, Tiger, Leopard, Lion. Everyone can visualize these animals and remark on their attributes. Fast, powerful, ferocious, awe-inspiring. I love it.

Now you have duds like Mavericks, Yosemite, (ugh) El Capitan, Sierra, and High Sierra. You just don’t get it any more. Let me lay it out for you: For the grand majority of us non-Californians, these “locations” simply conjure up random images of sports teams (or cows, or gas stations), Looney Tunes characters, and…a Mexican…captain, maybe? Not. Impressive. At all.

Every time I hear the new names, I shudder. I pause and wonder what is wrong with you. If I have to speak them aloud I apologize to the other party for your lack of insight and explain what the name is supposed to mean.

“Ya, no, no, um, they meant to name it after a cool surfing spot, not the sports team or gas station. Um, no, I hadn’t heard of it before they named it that either. Ya, I know you can call unbranded cows “mavericks” as well, but… Um, no I’m not sure what surfing has to do with anything, either.”

Apple, let me clue you into the big difference: The majority of people across the world immediately recognize the names of large cats and instinctively think of impressive animals. On the other hand, names of places in California don’t bring to mind anything impressive, inspiring, or otherwise emotionally beneficial. I don’t dispute that the places are awe-inspiring. In fact, for the very small percentage of the human population who has been lucky enough to visit these places, I’m sure they evoke awe-inspiring mental images.

The rest of us don’t have a flipping clue what you are even referring to. Instead of images of impressive animals, we get…basketball? Humphrey Bogart movie?

There it is. Plain and simple. I didn’t think we would travel this far down the road of what-the-heck-are-you-talking-about? I thought you’d catch on eventually. I thought you would come up with a better naming scheme. Turns out I was wrong. Since I can’t count on you to make a wise decision regarding naming anymore, I’ve taken the liberty of choosing your new naming scheme. In fact, here’s 10 naming schemes you can choose from, each of which is better than the one you have now.

  • Birds of Prey
  • Hardwood Trees
  • Celestial Bodies
  • Aquatic Mammals
  • Precious Stones
  • Delicious Fruits (OS X Apple, anyone?)
  • Musical Instruments
  • Precious Metals
  • Natural Phenomena (OS X Earthquake!)
  • Historical Innovators

Please make your selection immediately. You do not even have to credit me. It will be our little secret.