An Illustrated Field Guide to Office Creatures
If you’ve worked in the modern workforce, you’ve met some of these regrettable personalities.
Pseudo districtus: By rapidly shuffling papers and pretending to be out of breath, Pseudo districtus camouflages itself as a “busy” member of the office. Maintaining this disguise is key to the creature’s survival in the workplace. Diet: Feeds on the pity of coworkers.
Novitas repugno: Unable to print emails or Google information on its own, Novitas repugno enjoys the comforts of a parasitic relationship with helpful coworkers. By resisting most new forms of technology, the creature is free to leisurely consume romance novels or browse Yahoo! News. Novitas repugno did not get that attachment.
Loquax maximus: The Loquax maximus makes loud, brash promises of big projects with even bigger budgets. When confronted with proposals and specifics, the creature scurries into hiding. It also preys upon freelancers, offering exposure as bait instead of payment. Habitat: Commonly found in airport men’s restrooms screaming into mobile phones.
Nuntius infensus: Although it maintains a cheery demeanor in person, Nuntius infensus is a master at crafting and sending aggressive, hateful email messages. Once its prey has been properly demoralized with “just a few concerns,” the creature will select another unsuspecting victim from its contact list. Flourishes in toxic work environments.
Conventus perturbo: Devoid of ears and unable to absorb new information, Conventus perturbo gravitates to meetings where it can disrupt conversation with meandering statements disguised as questions. Courtship displays involve drawing unnecessary Venn diagrams and stepping out to take an urgent call.
Verbum abutor: Conference rooms are the favorite haunt of the Verbum abutor. The creature’s song is laden with buzzwords, clichés and useless jargon. It defends its territory with colorful displays of overconfidence and self-importance.
Falsus velox: Due to constantly being on fire, the heavily scarred Falsus velox cannot regrow an epidermis. Its language skills are limited to ASAP and URGENT. The creature habitually labels every email message as important and creates a sense of urgency mainly for attention. Its survival depends on the existence of “hot projects.”
Epistula proclivitas: Surviving solely on a diet of email messages, Epistula proclivitas is very active in its inbox at all hours of the day and night. Emails that don’t require a response will still get one at 2:14 a.m. as a reminder of the creature’s importance. Its multiple eyes rapidly consume inbox information while multiple appendages manage the outbox. Known to die suddenly from heart failure.
Medius irritus: Medius irritus flourishes in middle management habitats where there are no expectations of effectiveness and efficiency. The creature is commonly found getting in the way of progress and creating unnecessary work for subordinates. Its tentacles are adept at hanging on to outdated ideas. Diet: Bureaucracy.