On Setting Expectations with Children
I stood there, towering over him, the rage exiting my body through my shaking hands. My three year old son looked up, clearly confused and not understanding what had driven the most important man in his life to this point. He did not, could not, understand what had driven me to use my most intimidating, commanding voice and demand that he clean up all of the Legos and toys strewn about my living room lest he be chained to his bed and remain in his room for all eternity.
Why didn’t he get it? What is so damn hard about cleaning up your mess? You make a mess, you clean it up.
Why didn’t I get it? What is so damn hard about setting expectations and consistently guiding actions to meet your expectations? Life.
The secret to a happy life is to have low expectations.
Every parent has (or should have) a minimum expectation of performance from their child, something that equates to a baseline of behavior. The expectations of every parent will differ, even between parents in the same home.
But those expectations must be communicated to your child. Not only must they be communicated in ways that your child can truly understand, but you must enforce compliance with your standards.
Every.
Single.
Time.
After spending the last eight hours kissing client ass and eating shit from your boss, the last thing you want to do is come home and work for four more hours. But these are the most important four hours that you will spend today.
For example, your child has played with their Legos and has since moved on to trashing another part of your house. Prior to this moment, you and your child have had a conversation about standards and you have set the expectation that when he is done playing with a particular toy that the toy will be cleaned up and put away. Since little Johnny has finished playing with the Legos but has not cleaned them up, it’s time to correct course and require your child’s behavior meet the expectation that has been set.
Of course, there is another option. You can start rationalizing your own bad behavior: It’s easier to avoid the confrontation and likely tantrum. It’s easier to spend thirty seconds cleaning up than thirty minutes lording over an angry child who refuses to comply. It’s easier to say that next time you’ll enforce your standards and expectations, but today was a really long day at the office and you’re just too tired.
Suck it up, buttercup. There is no easy day.
Either your standards are actually standards, or they aren’t. Either you respect your child enough to teach him that meeting established expectations is an important life skill, or you don’t. But you gotta pick one and stick with it.
You have to have to set the appropriate expectation, establish the standard, and you have to commit to holding your children to those standards.
Every.
Single.
Time.
Because you know what happens if you only enforce your standards and expectations at the times you have decided that you have required energy, or the times that are convenient for you? At best, you confuse your child. You say one thing but don’t follow through and so your child is left wondering what behavior is required to meet your established expectation. At worst, your child will lose respect for you.
A piece of your parenting soul just died.
Families need standards. Every member of the family is at a different point in their development and thus the standards and expectations will vary, but will be appropriate. And the standards and expectations need to be communicated, clearly, in a way that is understood and can be processed.
Spend some time over the next week thinking about the standards and expectations you have your children, and get your spouse, co-parent, or baby mamma on the same page and commit to setting the standard and providing guidance and correction every time your child fails to meet the communicated expectation.
Every.
Single.
Time.
Even if you’re tired as a dog, just worked a double shift, and you walked the last two miles home because your car broke down. Commit to upholding your standards and expectations.
I so appreciate that we were able to share a brief minute of today together. If you enjoyed it and believe that others would receive value as well, tap the heart button below and tell the world!