Thank you for this beautiful piece. There is something quite special in your ability to convey the real impact of racism upon you, without losing the thread of love that informs your desire to speak about it. At least, that’s what it looks like from here.
I really, honestly, truly wish I had the power to make this country feel like home to you. It is your home, just as it is my home. The “specialness" I get for being white in America isn’t worth the pain it causes non-white people, and it’s not worth the the way it separates our communities from each other. I live in Oakland, CA, and I have watched African Americans tense up at my presence. If there is an opportunity to engage, I have also seen them relax when I treat them with just common decency and respect. Is it really that rare for them to experience that from people of my complexion? That is such an incredibly low bar, and yet even that isn’t being met. So I do my best to make PoC feel comfortable around me, to know that as far as I’m concerned, their presence isn’t only tolerated, but welcomed. And even at that, I know I’m not completely free of the mental illness of racism, but I do my best to deal with it whenever it comes up. I wish more white people would do the same work, even just a little bit.
Blessings to you.