HUMOR
[OMIT FURTHER EXPLANATION.]
“If a writer of prose knows enough about what he is writing about, he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them.” …
There is no time like the present to change your mind.
- I’m sorry you left.
2. Did I say something wrong?
3. I’ve been thinking about you.
4. Have you made plans with someone new?
5. I feel our relationship ended with a premature cancellation.
6. There is no time like the present to change your mind.
7. I made a…
I am not only a treat for your eyes, but also a treat for your mouth!
You begged that poor ice cream artisan to make the perfect swirl. That’s how you scored exclusive access to the trendiest and most expensive soft serve on the planet: me.
Though you’re accustomed to giving orders, get used to taking orders. Stop letting me melt while you photograph me. If…
Some call Dining in the Abyss unnecessary, but I call it groundbreaking.
When I created the ultimate dining experience of eating in a pitch-black isolation tank, I thought that removing sound, sight, and gravity would heighten customers’ sense of taste. What I failed to realize is my military-grade isolation tanks also removed the ability to easily digest anything. …
Unlike other trendy diets, this diet is a lifestyle that you cannot reverse
Before trying the Siren’s Secret diet, I was merely a mortal unaccustomed to preying on the lives of innocent sailors. I’ve tried so many diets and none have allowed me to eat what I want to eat, while singing haunting laments on craggy rocks. …
Your purchases pay my therapy bills.
All items in my closet are eligible for a special two-for-one deal. For every two items you purchase, I will throw in one lavender-scented sock to soak up your tears for free!
Imposter Syndrome Denim Jacket
Price: $45, although I feel I’m not qualified to set these prices.
Description: You will become a denim-clad…
Humor
It’s me, your brain, and I’m under attack!
I have been hacked by intrusive thoughts! I recommend enabling two-factor authentication for a clearer mindset.
Step One: Go to “Manage My Brain.”
After shuffling through your cyclical thoughts such as I’m crazy and I’m not normal, please find the “Manage My Brain” button located in your hypothalamus. …
I had no idea how much work would be required to stay afloat!
I have found my paradise!
Congrats, you found a teaching job after fifty applications, fifteen interviews, and fourteen rejections. Paradise, for me, is the name of the cruise ship I just fell off of.
“I am living my dream.”
Your dream is tricking partially-literate teens into caring about symbolism. …
TOXIC is worth 14 points.
He called pizza ZA. 11 points.
He could never remember that you preferred bread and butter pickles over GHERKINS. 16 points.
He was way too close with his college roommate JO. Like, take-a-boys’-hiking trip-twice-a-year-and-once-on-Valentine’s-Day close. Double Word Score, 18 points.
YOWZA! Your dog absolutely hated him. 20 points.
Those earrings…
Some are born pretentious, some achieve pretentiousness, and some thrust their pretentiousness upon others.
6:00am: I rise at the call of a rooster. ’Tis my phone alarm. Every other day I am a lowly groundling who manages a Burger King, but today is April 23rd, the day of Shakespeare’s birth — the day I become the Bard himself.
6:05am: I meditate over my copy…
Nat Hrvatin
Nat Hrvatin is a writer, educator, and performer from Cleveland, Ohio. Website: nathrvatin.com
