All items in my closet are eligible for a special two-for-one deal. For every two items you purchase, I will throw in one lavender-scented sock to soak up your tears for free!
Price: $45, although I feel I’m not qualified to set these prices.
Description: You will become a denim-clad superhero in this jacket! Well, you’ll become a denim-clad superhero who wonders: “Should I really continue to fight crime when I only saved 99 out of 100 people?” In the front pocket, you’ll find my Master in Fine Arts diploma folded into a tiny square. …
I have been hacked by intrusive thoughts! I recommend enabling two-factor authentication for a clearer mindset.
After shuffling through your cyclical thoughts such as I’m crazy and I’m not normal, please find the “Manage My Brain” button located in your hypothalamus. It’s wedged in between that video of two snuggling sloths in pajamas and that memory of ripping your jeans while bending down at your locker in middle school.
Enter your password, which is probably your dog’s name + the number of times you call yourself an unloveable monster.
Incorrect password, huh? Ugh, I hate to say this, but we…
Congrats, you found a teaching job after fifty applications, fifteen interviews, and fourteen rejections. Paradise, for me, is the name of the cruise ship I just fell off of.
Your dream is tricking partially-literate teens into caring about symbolism. My dream is making whale noises to signal for help while fooling nearby predators.
Teenagers, like sharks, can smell fear. They know that you are new; therefore, you are easy chum. I reject the notion that I am easy chum; I use the power of suggestion to manifest an invisible barrier around me. …
He called pizza ZA. 11 points.
He could never remember that you preferred bread and butter pickles over GHERKINS. 16 points.
He was way too close with his college roommate JO. Like, take-a-boys’-hiking trip-twice-a-year-and-once-on-Valentine’s-Day close. Double Word Score, 18 points.
YOWZA! Your dog absolutely hated him. 20 points.
Those earrings he gave you for your birthday appeared QUARTZY, but were actually made of nickel, which you are allergic to. 28 points.
He QUIZIFIED you for wearing llama footie pajamas in your mid-thirties when he quotes Spongebob unironically. 31 points.
His hands got SQUEEZY around your female relatives to the point…
6:00am: I rise at the call of a rooster. ’Tis my phone alarm. Every other day I am a lowly groundling who manages a Burger King, but today is April 23rd, the day of Shakespeare’s birth — the day I become the Bard himself.
6:05am: I meditate over my copy of Shakespeare’s collected works and recite Macbeth’s dagger soliloquy. If only my high school drama teacher Mrs. Brackenbury could see my acting now. She would rue that day she cast me as Fleance.
6:27am: My wife toils in our bedroom as she fastens the many strings of my doublet, which…
God, I hope I get it.
“In the coming weeks, New York City will open dedicated Covid-19 vaccination sites on Broadway for the theater industry, with a mobile vaccination unit dedicated to off-Broadway workers. These sites will be staffed by veteran theater industry workers.” — TheaterMania, 3.25.2021
Velma Kelly — Chicago
Come on babe, why don’t we vaccinate the town?
With all that Pfizer.
I’m going to bare my arm and roll my shirt sleeve up,
For all that Pfizer.
Start the car, I know a medical spot
Where instead of gin, you get a different shot
It’s just an empty theatre…
Welcome to this non-combative space. Please unroll your mat and resist the urge to apologize when you accidentally bump into the person beside you.
We’ll start today’s practice in mountain pose. Please extend your arms to your sides and drop your shoulders. To truly embody that strength in body and mind, I want you to set a boundary with your friend Susan. Repeat after me: “No, Susan. I cannot carpool your twins to soccer practice. You live three towns away from me.” Ah, that was lovely.
From there, we’ll shift into balancing half moon. As you inhale, remember why you’re…
Interior designer Sadie Southampton has never met a room that she couldn’t redecorate! But when her hometown’s century-old bed and breakfast needs to be completely restored in one week for the annual Easter Egg Hunt, Sadie will need help from an old friend. Peter Hawtguy spent his childhood concealing a burning passion for Sadie — this April, will eggs be the only thing that Sadie finds in her basket?
A vague New England town is in need of some Easter cheer after half the population was laid off from the local charcuterie factory. Full-time cardigan model and part-time veterinarian Lauren…