To The Newly Self-Discovered and Questioning LGBT+

• You: everything you are, everything you feel, everything you have been and will ever be, is just as valid and natural as anyone else.
• Validity and naturalness does not equal sameness. Sameness is not necessary or virtuous.
• You don’t have to believe what cis hetero friends and family say about issues that affect you directly. You have a unique experience and your hurt is okay to speak on.
• You don’t owe anyone your vulnerability. Your vulnerability is a gift and you get to bestow that honour. Protect your softness, protect your honest self. When you can, surround yourself with others who respect that and defend you and your experiences too.
• We all have to unlearn messages and narratives we have internalized. A lot of people will act like there is a point in which you are done unlearning and learning. There is not. Living in defiance of previously held beliefs does not cure those beliefs.
• Remember that you are still an individual even within our communities. Your experience does not have to look the same as others or represent others. If anyone asks you to be a solo representative, remind them that you are not everyone. It is not your responsibility to find out what the consensus in our communities are on every issue.
• Policing other LGBT+ people on their identities is not okay. (There are few exceptions, like with culturally specific identities etc.)
• It is helpful to remember that people of any identity can be hurtful and that the gravity of the pain they cause, and the context of them causing that pain matters too. Hold people accountable for hurting you and others, when you can.
• “Nothing about us without us” is a good thing to remember in general.
• You aren’t more of less You because someone wrote or said something you don’t relate to.
• Transmisogyny is a thing, and all trans people who don’t experience it (and probably those who do) fall into it without realizing it. Listen to (other) trans women and take it upon yourself to seek out what has already been said. I recommend reading any of Julia Serano’s books or Janet Mock. There are also many articles online if you search “transmisogyny 101".
• You are not the voice for everyone, and others aren’t either. You’re not more or less You because someone wrote or said something you do or don’t relate to.
• It’s ok to grow and change and misunderstand. It is healthy to accumulate perspective as time goes on and you don’t have to Get It all now.
• You don’t have to know everything or make it look like you do.
• You don’t have to let your cis hetero friends use you as an educational tool.
• Lmgtfy is a blessing for sassily directing people to google search results for topics you don’t want to explain.
• It’s okay to be a stereotype and also okay to not be. Most people exist outside of those boxes. Try not to worry about it too much. (It's normal to worry in the beginning though. It's ok.)
• You don’t have to come out, and you don’t owe anyone that info.
• Your feelings matter and there are valid reasons why you feel the way you do about other people's treatment of you.
• Finding community can be really helpful.
• Inventing words to describe you is a-okay.
• Don’t trust people who unironically use the term “special snowflake” for other people.
• Be aware: sometimes people find their local community events and stuff end up all being exes pretty quick. We end up needing to work harder to maintain close relationships with others like us because this is what we have and need.
• If you did some shitty oppressive stuff (or think you may have) when you were in denial or not yet discovered etc, it is worthwhile to own up. Recognize your growth and please understand if people hesitate around you.
• We don’t usually remember when we have hurt others who were quiet about it, but we do remember others hurting us. We need to work to make ammends.
• If someone says something passionate and harsh sounding that you don’t currently understand or relate to, don’t write it off immediately. There are reasons people in our community feel frustration with cishets, cops, etc as a whole. You don’t need to debate or ask details and many will be uncomfy with you doing that. Instead ask others who appear to be supporting that person (but may not be as directly affected) if they know any good google search keywords etc for you to learn more about what people truly mean when they say this, and why they say this. It is also good practice to give people the opportunity to be upset and emotional when they may otherwise not get the space to. Especially when you don’t get it.
• Feelings aren’t always debateable, especially pain and trauma related feelings.
• You can't please everyone with your political beliefs and actions. But you can grow and show humility and reflect on your actions and beliefs often, and take accountability and try to make ammends when you can
• There is more hatred than you thought there was. It will be harder than u ever imagined. But you are worth it. A better world is possible and you are not the only one fighting, no matter if someone is there physically beside you or not. There is a world of people who love you by virtue of solidarity and compassion.
• Don’t get too caught up in the “born this way” defence. Being born some way shouldn’t matter when it comes to respecting differences.
• It’s okay to correct people’s assumptions and be bitter and it's also okay to not do that.
• Do some research on your rights. Rights may be hard to defend but a lot of people will freak out and jump to accommodate if you point out something is in violation of them. Just be careful, whenever I’ve pulled the “against my rights” defence during evictions, landlords have fabricated other reasons to evict me. It’s been really helpful when interacting with people in the emergency room, however.
• It’s okay to identify differently than you did five minutes ago. Whether you found a label that fit better or you feel like your identity has shifted, whatever the reason that’s okay. And your self identification is the highest authority on who you are.
• It is okay to ask for help.
• It is okay to tell someone you don’t want their advice.
• Your identity at 12 is just as valid and worthy of respect as it is at 15, 20, 37, 55, 98, etc. Age and self discovery rarely go hand in hand.

There’s a lot of other things I wish I could say to the past me, and I’m sure there’s lots of other advice out there to be given.

Feel free to respond with your own advice, write your own articles and lists inspired by this one, etc.