Rationalization is Weak
Regrets and revelations.
I’m probably not the best person to give advice. My moral character is definitely flawed. I’ve lied to people I care about. I’ve done things I regret. I didn’t always value family as much as they deserve. I’ve been incredibly selfish. I’m not like my friend, Lena, who is still the best person I know since we met in first grade. In high school, she was commonly seen carrying around multiple boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts, handing them out to students for free just because she thought it’d be nice (She would also be wearing a cool cape, but that’s another story).
There was a guy. Yeah I know, there usually is. I didn’t treat him very well. It was a combination of being young, self-absorbed, attention-seeking, and purposely ignorant.
Wait. See, I mentioned I’m not perfect. “Being young” is an excuse, not a legitimate reason for being a bad person. That’s how rationalization works. I mostly like Wikipedia’s definition of the word:
Rationalization (also known as making excuses) is an unconscious defense mechanism in which perceived controversial behaviors or feelings are logically justified and explained in a rational or logical manner in order to avoid any true explanation, and are made consciously tolerable – or even admirable and superior – by plausible means.
I’m not a huge fan of the word “unconscious” in this definition, though. I think we make excuses for our poor behavior because we’re too scared to be honest. No one likes that feeling of admitting our faults and failures. Not at work, at home, in relationships, on the internet, anywhere. It’s easier to be blame someone or something else. Frankly, to be a coward.
Ok, back to the guy. He cared about me and I cared about him as well. But I wouldn’t commit. I enjoyed spending time with him, enjoyed the attention he gave me, but that was all and I wouldn’t admit this to myself. Even worse, I refused to tell him. I didn’t try to understand how he felt. I was weak. I shied away from the truth and instead, rationalized that I wasn’t doing anything wrong because I never committed to anything. This led to many long, emotional hours on the phone at 3am, a hamburger being thrown at my car, even an incident with the police. To be honest to myself though, I deserved a lot of that. I was unkind and unfair.
I’ve grown up a bit. The biggest contributor to this is my new personal policy. Be as open and honest as possible. Hell, it’s not easy. And I’m by no means perfect at this. Yet once I’ve given it a try a few times, I realized how easy and refreshing honesty can be. I found that my conjured perception of someone’s reaction is always worse in my head than in reality. Rather than ignore a guy’s phone calls and texts until he finally gets the hint, actually taking action and explaining why I’m not interested in continuing a romantic relationship is much more productive. When a guy I was dating asked to meet and then proceeded to tell me that we weren’t looking for the same things, I was more impressed by his maturity and honesty than upset that I was being rejected. People don’t respond half as badly as we expect compared to the dramatically painful scenario we blow up in our minds. In fact, people are usually very appreciative of the information and we can all move on much faster from the usually uncomfortable moment.
Avoiding honesty doesn’t just affect that one person you are deceiving either. Parents, siblings, friends, the excellent police department; many are affected by our individual actions (or lack thereof). And actions like these snowball. It becomes more and more necessary (and easy) to continue lying in order to maintain the fictitious foundation you contrived. This is something I keep in mind as I move forward in life.
Now, I try to consider other people’s perspectives when I form opinions and make decisions. I try to imagine how my words and actions will make the other person feel. I try to be more considerate. I try to be a better person than I was.
- Think about how your words and actions will affect others and choose those that will lead to positive results for the majority.
- Be more open and honest.
- Recognize that it’s okay to be wrong and to apologize.
Yes, this list is pretty generic and obvious, but I really don’t think these items are practiced enough. They sound more obvious and intuitive than we think. I still find myself unconsciously opting for the easy, little, white lie rather than sucking it up and being accountable for my mistakes (e.g., I’m late for work because I overslept, not because of some fake emergency).
I wish I realized this stuff in my early twenties. I probably could’ve saved several people, including myself, some heartache. It just takes a little bit of courage to take the better action. Just a little humility to make a better choice. Just a little effort to be a better person. Isn’t it worth it?
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