I’m pretty much a train wreck at the moment of writing this.
As much as I try to cope up with my life, it just gets harder by the day. We all think we know what we want in life, and think we can reach out to it, hoping to seize the moment which never comes. I’m 20 and I reached saturation with life. Never hoped it would reach this early. I’m unsure of what to do with it.
You must be thinking, maybe I should talk to someone. I’ve tried reaching out to my family. I ringed them several times to talk out the situation. But every fucking time, I just couldn’t switch gears to the topic. I wished there was a simpler way to end this confusion about life.
I found my solace with alcohol and smoke for a few days. As I get high, it always struck me with the thought “What the hell am I doing?”. Fuck my life.
These times, I had no real confidence in life about anything. Nothing went as planned. There was this fear burning my insides. Everytime I tried something new, it feels refreshing. But it went like; lather, rinse and repeat. I guess most of you can relate to this.
The Long Stroll
I woke up late one morning. A little lost and confused, I searched my pockets for cigarettes. Finding none, I got out of my bed to get some. It was cold outside. I put on a jacket, grabbed my wallet and went on.
I bought my cigarettes. I strolled around to find someone to hook up for a chat. I skipped my class and so none of my buddies were around. Finding an opportunity to seek solace, I thought why don’t I go alone. I really loved those solo walks and so I went along, hands in my pocket. I turned my phone off and started walking. As I lit one of them and pulled off a puff, I felt a strange tingle around my neck. The cold wind reminded me of my childhood, about how it used to be so perfect.
I took a pause for a moment and glanced around at a bunch of guys approaching. I stared at their perfect, happy, confident, little faces. Nothing made sense to me. Why is everyone so contented with their lives? Am I the only one feeling this way? As the nicotine rushed in and hit me, I let out my breath and as the smoke cleared away, I’d hoped my cognitive overload would too. I saw them watching me and bursting out into laughter. I knew that it wasn't about me and nothing serious. But deep inside, I wouldn’t agree. The mind kept on saying, “They’re laughing at your life, you piece of crap”. I felt like a psychopath, over-imagining things. The mind can be messy sometimes, who knew.
I ignored that and got on with the day. I fell asleep and the day passed. At nights, I always remember that moment. That memory felt agonizing. Going forward, I used to do nothing at all whenever that thought struck. I learnt that the trick works.
Not doing something at all when I felt lost and confused felt good, almost healthy. Most of us go back and forth between hiding out from problems at one extreme, and at the other, pushing, pushing and pushing to try to get life to be better, which is exhausting.
This is where creating a regular habit of courage, a courageous response to that old feeling of lost and confused instead of a fear-based response, comes in. I created my very own “courageous living program” and made it a part of my everyday life. Courage isn’t what you are, it’s what you choose to practice. Things started getting good.
We grow. We change. We risk. We dare. We get afraid and we repeat the cycle. That’s why, sometimes, we feel lost and confused. We run up against our fear, but we aren’t sure what to do, at which point we feel these distinctly uncomfortable things. The “Why” isn’t what is important as figuring out how to evolve. As you shift, as you start doing the work to create a more courageous life, so that courage becomes a habit, and instead of trying to figure out the “why”, you start going..
I’m feeling something uncomfortable with something. Where can I be more courageous?
That’s by far the most helpful thing to ask. I started talking with my friends about this. It really helps. The truth is, anyone who’s being really honest with you will tell you that they too feel that confusion sometimes. I certainly do! It’s a normal part of taking risks and stretching to aspire higher. Making these choices is never easy, but it is worth it.
Hope you take these steps ahead for a better life. Sending you lots of love ❤️.