A letter to my one true love
You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have
People ask me why do I love you so much, after all you are a dog and I must know better that your life span is short and you’ll in any case leave me before I leave this Earth. I just don’t get people when they say such things because that’s the same case with our parents as well, isn’t it? So with our grandparents and our aunts and uncles. Everyone is much older than me and will most probably leave me in my lifetime. So, can I stop loving them as much as I do just as people expect me to love you less owing to your short life span? I just don’t get the logic!
Anyhow, as I left home today I kept glancing at the balcony because you’d always come to see me off. You used to get annoyed that I was going out and you had to stay home, so much so that you’d bark at whoever was with me because he/she didn’t take you along. But today, I thought you’d never come out to tell me ‘Bye’. My heart soared as I saw your beautiful face peeking at me as you limped slowly, your soulful eyes following me until I disappeared from sight. For the past eleven years, home has become synonymous with you. I know that there will be a day when I return home and you won’t be there to shower me with all your love. But that doesn’t scare me anymore. During the past one week with you, I have died a little by little every second and at this point I don’t think there’s anything left in me that can be killed. As Charles Bukowski says,”I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can’t feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.”
This past week you have showed me what strength means. There were times when I would look at you and my heart would skip a beat because I couldn’t see your body move. I would come closer and sigh in relief as I would see you breathe softly. And then I would feel bad that I want you alive for my own selfish reasons as I don’t want you to die on me at this point of time in my life. I realised how selfish all of us are. We are all willing to go through all pain to keep you alive even if that meant tying your mouth so that you don’t bite anyone out of pain while you take your drips, force feed you through liquid food and give you so many antibiotics/ sedatives. I have never felt more helpless in life. It kills me that you are going through so much pain. It also makes me proud that you are equally fighting and not giving up.
You don’t know this but we considered putting you to sleep. Someone suggested that one of us stay with you all the time in the hope that you might recover your will to live. I’m so glad that we listened and did just that. You didn’t give up when you almost did and fought on. You’re such a warrior, my love.
You have always been there for me, how could I not be there when you needed me the most? I remember how I came home leaving everything, ready to face all consequences of my actions. I’m glad I did. Because as ma said, you walked for the first time that day just to greet me.
I don’t think I have ever loved another living being as much as I have loved you. Even when you gave me scars for life, I couldn’t muster the anger to scream at you. Thank you for being by my side at my lowest and highest. You’ve been the best that I could ever get. To me you have been more than just a dog; you are my family, my hero and my one true love. I love you, Sonu.