Random thoughts:
The way a man impregnates a woman the same way the love impregnates both of the lovers or at least one of them.
I have experienced love for the 4th time now and I have lost it for the 4th time also.

It seems so easy for my brain to believe that I may be no good at all for anyone! And I am afraid of falling in love again, it has affected not just my love life but also my personal and professional life as well because I’m a person who connects with people with deep emotions and thoughts and feelings towards them and when somehow for any reason at all I lose love, which is the main ingredient of my basis of falling into any relationship, I kinda lose everything and hurt myself.
Maybe I don’t know myself enough to understand the importance of the difference between love life, friends and colleagues! It’s a question for me now.

I have always felt at peace by helping other people sort of like by letting them unfold to me open up to me and I hear them out all the times but recently I have experienced that with my last lover I had not been so patient and dealt the situations in a very hasty manner. But I strongly believe that I heard her enough to know about the pain she has felt through her hard years of life. I also witnessed her grandmother’s death and I saw her crying! I consoled her for the times she needed me. Maybe because of that she liked me more and finally, she felt like that she can be with me and that night she purposed me. I accepted because I already knew that I had feelings for her. I saw her in my dream and it made me a happy man. She is elder than me and a lot mature but I am three years younger than her and I think I think a lot of things at one time and I need a lot of attention and care and love at the same time. I’m sure about love which she immensely had for me. Despite all the bad times and fights we stuck together in worst of times but recently two nights ago I felt so bad about all the complaints she has about her past and present situations in her life and somehow I was also deeply hurt by some situations that night and lost my cool. And we ended up not sleeping all together that night and I finally gave up on myself and my intentions about keeping everything cool, I was trying to be mature and learn and practice patience and understanding, the only fact will always exist that I tried to be a mature guy but she should be calm too.

Every bad word she had said to me I had forgotten all of them I had also forgotten all the bad fights and sad episodes we had. But that one night reminded me all of those fights and all of those bad words and terms she put me in no matter what her intentions were. But why that particular moment?
Why such a response from my side was generated automatically! Why couldn’t I kept the cool? I did for at least 20 days! I was a changed man and she was happy about it, she found me more charming and she also said that Sha has started loving me more. Now the only things matter in my mind is that if I tried and she trusted me for my efforts! Then would she had stopped me and put my worried to an ease that night? That might have saved our relationship?

She is a panicky and impulsive person! But she is loyal and beautiful and very honest. I also think she could understand me and I think she understood me enough for my efforts! Now the question is that she should have given up on her impulsiveness and quick tongue?

What happened that night is going to be a sad thing to remember for me because after having such a great impact of love on both of us! Have we failed each other? Just because of my mistake of not keeping the cool? Or because of after all we have been through she still decided to act impulsive or panicky?

I don’t blame her for anything and I also don’t want to blame myself but the end result matters and the end result is that we lost our love? We could’ve been the best couple ever. If this will continue then it is hard enough being me already. The next few months are going to determine the whole course of my new life but if this last hope has to shatter in front of eyes, then I have nothing to live for and I am free to leave.

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