I am distracted.

I am 34 and I am distracted… I know this may come as a surprise since being on your own (read ‘entrepreneur’), you are not supposed to be distracted — you are supposed to be focused & I agree with it.

But I am not focused as much as I want to be… a lot is going through my mind these days — from the relationship with my Dad, who I dislike at times and whose life teaching I use quite often, to my relationship with my elder brother with whom I am unable to communicate simple things, to the debt ridden life in which we have grown up and continue to do, to looking to settling down but unable to find anyone worth living with, to overcoming failure of past relationships, to waiting patiently for some big ticket win for my new venture, to being unable to decide whether I should leave the current venture completely and go ahead with another new venture with a friend or should I wait it out, to knowing what I really love versus what I should be ready to forego, to being able to face myself with new realities versus sticking to my convictions, to being able to get rid of fear of losing patience versus continue a lonely batter, to know which battle to pick and where not to give a f**k, to live with people who follow norms, are defensive and have no claim to be exciting or interesting versus to emotionally leave them despite they being loving, caring and sacrificing, to be selfish versus completely selfless, to being God fearing versus God loving, to be able to understand what I really want to do in life versus to know what I should leave on God to decide, to know when to take action versus when not to take action, to be able to break the reputation I have in my own eyes and go completely intrinsic, to be able to decide which life-philosophy to follow to which philosophy to not follow, to live in black & white (honest feedback) to living in gray, to reconcile relationships being the middle child or to not give a f**k, to coming out of past but unable to do so, to spend money on travel or to pay off debts, to be self-accountable, to run or not to run, to rebel or to submit…

When I read, I get exposed to so many newer ways that I get further confused… when I spend time online, I get, at times, bugged by all the ‘fun’ moments I see since I can’t be there because I have to save.

Too much to handle at times and too much to think through when work is slow and I am unable to decide what path to take?

I don’t even know what does my gut or instinct say and what should I not believe? How should I decide what next steps should I take?

I know why I am distracted — it is because:

• I am not having a work-based action in my life, something that really drives me — I am unable to take the next step with respect to my venture or entrepreneurial dream;
• I feel answerable to my elders who don’t inspire me anymore;
• I want to get rid of debts that the family owes to the world outside — it is now on for too long;
• I don’t have a companion with whom I can connect and talk it out;

I hope I can come out of these distractions soon as these are not healthy at all…