5 Reasons Pakistani Men are Garbage
*co-written with Fouzan Jilani, my personal creative powerhouse
Did my strong opinionated headline draw you in? If so, marvel at the power of clickbait but don’t exit just yet because it wasn’t completely you know…clickbaity. I really will go into 5 valid reasons for what makes certain Pakistani men such garbage people, but for PC reasons I need to make clear that it’s NOT ALL MEN. Or not all Pakistani men. Just some. Maybe many. Actually most. This draws from my experiences of working, living, interacting with and just being around some garbage Pakistani men. So here we are.
Reason one: Mega-Mansplaining, a double feature with an extended cinematic ending no one asked to see
I call it Mega Mansplaining because guys, the normal already-sexist kind of mansplaining doesn’t cut it for these men anymore. Back in the day, it would be that a guy would just come and explain something to you in a way that made you feel like you were a brainless fish that had got lost in its own tiny aquarium. You felt like a guppy, an idiot when this guy came and explained something to you that you already knew. But here’s what’s new with mega-mansplaining: this time, men try and explain what other people have already said to you when they sat a mere 3 feet away from you and you nodded to mean you’d understood. Your nod means nothing to a Pakistani man who is determined that he will indeed, explain someone else’s point to you. Confused? I don’t blame you. Let me explain, or mansplain, wow. Cue scenario:
“Hey Amna, so just email me those videos from yesterday but in a PowerPoint so they look structured.”
“Sure Ali, I’ll do that right away.”
(Mega-mansplainer steps in): “Yeah Amna, Ali wants the pictures in a PowerPoint file just so he can see how they’re structured and that’s why you should put them in a PowerPoint and email them to Ali,” (walks off with satisfied nod leaving you seething in rage)
Reason two: they’re Bad Sports about sports they watch/play and guess who’s going to hear all about it? You.
So let’s say you’re a person who loves watching cricket. If you live in Pakistan, good chance you love this game which should have been our national sport but for some mysterious reason isn’t and is actually hockey which, let’s be honest, no one cares about. You like cricket. No, you love cricket. But remember: no matter how much cricket means to you, it will mean way more to the Pakistani man in your life who will feel the constant need to test you about your cricket knowledge. Cue scenario:
“Guys I loved yesterday’s match! We really showed India what’s up and I think that in-”
(Your Pakistani colleague steps in): “Wait wait wait. You like cricket? I don’t believe it.”
“Umm, yeah I do. Why what’s up?”
“LOL you do not. Okay if you like cricket so much, Miss I Like Cricket So Much, tell me please, what was the precipitation level in that 1997 match against Australia where we almost lost but then didn’t and were saved by a miracle wicket? If you don’t know, then you’re not a real fan,” (smirks, walks off)
You get the point.
Reason three: Need To Bash opinions that are not their own and God help you if you expose them to something their mom didn’t teach them growing up
It’s a little like this: I know this guy who doesn’t believe in astrology. I do, and when I say I do, I mean I really really do. Anyway, I like figuring out people’s star signs; it’s a fun little thing I do. The guy who doesn’t believe in it will not only question every single one of my beliefs, but will also go out of his way to tell me why it’s useless, a waste of time and not an exact science. This would have been great if only his opinion was required or called for, but as you’ve probably guessed, it was neither of those things. This man will bash something I believe in and then also share a laugh with other men at work to make me feel small and stupid. Cue scenario:
“Hey Hasan, I saw this really interesting documentary last night: it suggested there might be life forms on Venus!”
“What? No there aren’t. That’s probably a fake documentary.”
“No, it wasn’t fake and it didn’t say for sure that there are other life forms, it just suggested it. Don’t you think it’d be really cool if that were true?”
“Listen, you watched some fake documentary that told you there’s aliens on Venus and no such thing exists. NO SUCH THING EXISTS” (stomps off).
Moving on.
Reason four: ‘It’s Out of My Control,’ an excuse that has lasted throughout the ages and should make it’s way into Pakistan’s official guidebook at this point
We’ve seen it, we’ve heard of it: this phenomenon that’s unique to Pakistani men. He will hook up with, date and/or live with a girl for a good number of years, forever promising her the moon and stars, and then one day will dump her out of the blue and disappear. The next time the girl hears from him will be when he sends her lovelorn depressing texts in the middle of the night claiming she was the love of his life until she finally blocks him and walks away. And why does this happen, you may ask? Why do these girls get left on read? It’s simple: the Pakistani man in question will never marry a girl that his mother does not approve of. It’s that simple, people. Pakistani guys will hook up with women from all over the world, but will then dump them in a heartbeat because suddenly, after 5 years of being together, the girl is just not acceptable. Cue scenario:
“So…Amir broke up with me yesterday and I don’t know what to do.”
“Wait, you guys have been together for 5 years now, what happened?”
“I asked him about marriage and he said his mom wouldn’t agree.”
“What do you mean? What wouldn’t she agree to?”
“Oh, he said I’m not Muslim and that’s a pretty big deal.”
“Why didn’t he think of this before you guys moved in together? I thought you’d get married one day.”
“I don’t know — he just said it’s out of his control and he wants to marry someone his mom likes too.”
I wonder if moms are reading this. Moms, if you see this, please do better.
Reason five: ‘You’re A Whore’ and other wonderful statements that crop up in the most unlikely moments
Don’t get offended because this is a simple enough concept: Pakistani men in committed relationships, and I’m talking everything from dating to marriage and in between, have curious standards. For example, they seem to think it’s perfectly acceptable to double tap on all the photos and videos they see on Instagram which feature a model who’s in a sultry pose and not much else. They also feel it’s appropriate to constantly check out, hit on and fantasize about women they see while they’re out and about. Some even outright cheat on their significant others. But if you, a woman who is with a Pakistani men ever happen to lust over another guy, a guy who is NOT your guy, if you ever hit on, flirt with or sometimes even talk to another man who you might find attractive, you are a w-h-o-r-e and there is a special place in whore-hell for you, honey. Cue scenario:
“Dude I f***ing love Ariana Grande. I’d be down to do whatever if she asked me.”
“Yeah bro, agreed. That dude she’s seeing is gross but can’t say that out loud because I know your wife likes him.”
“Wait what? Sana likes that weirdo? No way. She’s got better taste: me, for example.”
“Haha okay but I was just trying to say I know she has a little crush on -”
“Are you serious? Sana wouldn’t waste two minutes on that loser. She knows what she has and she’s happy with it trust me” (laughs obnoxiously)
Okay so maybe that one was a little exaggerated but fight me if it’s not on point.
So I guess the only question now is, if they’re all such garbage, why do we put up with them? That’s a different topic for another article but I have a theory. Namely, one man’s trash is…
It’s not. There is no theory. If you see or hear any of the disturbing behavior described above, walk away and notify other people. Don’t enable, just slide out of those DMs, block that number, ignore that call. So I guess what I’m saying is, take out the garbage, turn your back on it and take a hot shower. You deserve it. Goodnight.
