How to Talk to a Woman Who is *insert activity*

There’s a wonderful, enlightening article going around the internet called How to Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones. It has valuable advice for clueless men who don’t know how to engage women who clearly want to be left alone, including tips like:

1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 meters between you).
2. Have a confident, easy-going smile.3. If she hasn’t already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can see it and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” She most likely won’t hear you say that, but it’s just a way of showing her that you’re trying to talk to her.
4. When she looks at you and gives you her attention, smile, point to her headphones and confidently ask, “Can you take off your headphones for a minute?” as you pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she fully understands what you mean.
If she doesn’t understand that you want her to briefly take off her headphones, simply gesture that you want to talk to her by pointing back and forth from you to her and say, “I want to talk to you for a minute.”

Now this is such an amazing service to the menfolk that it got me thinking -why don’t we help out our menfolk a little more in navigating the scary terrain that is interaction with The Female? So here is a list of How to Talk to a Woman Who is *insert activity”

How to Talk to a Woman Who is Shopping

  1. Follow her to the supermarket.
  2. Have a confident, easy going smile.
  3. Try to walk slowly in front of her cart so she looks up and sees who’s causing her to slow down. Turn around and give her a thumbs up.
  4. If she still doesn’t get it, bump her cart with your shopping cart, smile and say “Hey, I know this is awkward and I don’t usually do this, but you are so hot that I can’t stop myself from talking to you.”
  5. If she doesn’t call security, proceed to get her number.

How to Talk to a Woman Who is Rock Climbing

  1. Climb the rock before her.
  2. Have a confident, easy going smile.
  3. Hold one hand out and in the other hold a long stick.
  4. Prod her with the stick as she is trying to climb up till she takes your hand and agrees to talk to you.
Woman climbing rock and wondering if falling to sweet death is better than being hounded by a weirdo with a stick

How to Talk to a Woman Who is Swimming

  1. Swim close to her and smile widely.
  2. If she is underwater, mouth your words as she probably can’t hear you. Say “Are you a burkini? ‘Cause girl you provoke my moral values!” If that doesn’t work go to step 3.
  3. Get reborn as a whale in your next life.
  4. Have a confident, easy going smile.
  5. Swim close to her — about 1–1.5 mts — and make cute whale noises while shaking your head vigorously. You’ll get a friendly pat at the very least.

How to Talk to a Woman Who is Sleeping on the Seat Next to You

  1. While some women want to be left alone while sleeping, most single and available women are looking forward to being woken up by a random stranger who wants to chat her up. So don’t feel guilty and go for it!
  2. Have a confident, easy going smile.
  3. Clap loudly so she wakes up. If that doesn’t work, try coughing violently.
  4. Now by this point most women should be awake, but some are a little more shy. For these women you probably need the firealarm. Start a fire, let the alarm go off. When the woman jolts out of her sleep, tell her “I don’t normally wake up sleeping women, but you were such a sleeping beauty that I just couldn’t resist being your prince.” Alternatively, you can also say “Your loud snores were just calling out to me”
  5. Don’t give up at the first sign of resistance. If you are a shy guy she’ll probably say nice to meet you, bye and try to to go back to sleep. Be confident and persistent. Wake her up again.
Woman exhausted by the Patriarchy tries to nap without interruption

How to Talk to a Woman Who is Giving Birth

  1. Study hard. Go to med school. Become a gynaecologist.
  2. Have a confident, easy going smile.
  3. Get employed by her nearest hospital and become her consultant.
  4. While she is in the throes of labour pain, try flirting with her. Not flirting is a common mistake guys make. If you don’t do it she’ll wonder why on earth you became her gynaecologist.

So these are some of the common situations in which you may find these tips helpful. Let me know if you need any more tips on how to talk to a woman who is trying to live her life without being bothered by random strangers on the metro/while out for a jog/at the movies. Always here for you lads!

Like what you read? Give Nazreen Fazal a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.