Nicole Chardenet
Nov 1 · 1 min read

Hi Zita, thank you so much for such a well-expressed piece on the aftereffects of abuse. I agree with Kathy Jacobs & Bebe Nicholson…trust your instincts! It sounds like you’ve done a real ‘post-mortem’ in your brain as to what went wrong in your previous relationship and how you can watch out for warning signals & how to deal with events as they come up in a different manner than you did before. I’ve had to do the same not with someone who had an alcohol problem (he was just crazy, not abusive). Still: My lesson learned was Never Allow An Alcoholic Into My Life Again.

If you’re feeling uncertain about you bud’s ‘mixed messages’ and his ‘little jokes’, I’m a big fan of directly asking him about this and how he really feels and also reiterating past agreements to remind him of what you’ve both agreed to so as to maintain a crystal-clear understanding. He may not have *immediate* answers for you yet so give him a few days; men’s brains can’t always process and interpret information about feelings as fast as women’s can so we need to allot them some time to think about this (and we’ll get better answers).

There shouldn’t be any guessing games here. You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve clarity, respect, and above all a sense of personal safety.

You sound like you’re pretty clear on what you want…if you communicate clearly there will be no ‘misunderstandings’.

    Nicole Chardenet

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    Blogger, author, egalitarian, into brains & Buddhist psychology, living in the Murky Middle of political/social thought. Too strong & empowered to be a feminist