Adventures In Mid-Life Dating

Pasta Projectiles Aren’t A Dating Strategy — Part 4

With the right plan, you no longer have to hurl spaghetti at the wall.

Nicole Chardenet
Oct 28 · 6 min read
Spilled spaghetti with a fork on a cement floor
Spilled spaghetti with a fork on a cement floor
Photo by Mike Burns on Flickr

II don’t have time for men who throw spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks.

I had a chat exchange with your typical pasta flinger on Spinal Tap, my pseudonymous online dating service.

Chat text from lazy male dater who couldn’t be bothered to fill out his profile, or read mine
Chat text from lazy male dater who couldn’t be bothered to fill out his profile, or read mine

He’d have wasted less time if he’d read my profile which specifically stated I don’t bother with men who are too lazy to fill out their own.

Ironically, this is why many men complain women ignore them. They‘re still dutiful jarheads obeying the Little Sergeant. “That one. She’s attractive.” They message based solely on photos. At least at my age they don’t send dick pics.

Save yourself a boatload of time, boys, and read her profile.

If you can’t do that you’re not serious about finding a partner. If you’re just looking for sex, you won’t waste time on women who aren’t.

If you’re over thirty you’re too old to be second-in-command to a total dick! (Sorry, had to say it) :)

Maybe this lazyboy will consider my educational words or maybe, as we say in sales and marketing, he’ll have to hear the message seven times before it sinks in. Or never.

Too many people throw pasta. Especially men, whose qualifications for a woman often never move beyond, “Would I fuck her or not? Y/N”.

If your crotch isn’t one of those zombie parasites you see on National Geographic, I believe your dating experiences will be less painful. As the old ’70s song goes, “Good-lookin’ guys [or gals] come a dime a dozen, try to find you one who’s gonna give you true lovin’!”

Penis-shaped coral with a fish swimming above
Penis-shaped coral with a fish swimming above
This isn’t your master. Source: Wikimedia Commons

A dating strategy for everyone

lenty of fish are not worth catching. (Ar ar!) After nearly 25 years of online romance, starting with the early pre-Internet days of BBS’s, we all need a more effective plan.

In corporate sales, we qualify new prospects with BANT — Budget, Authority, Need and Timeline. Do you have budget for my product or service? Do you have the authority to make a decision? Do you have a real need? And do you have a specific timeline?

In dating, you need to identify your own truly important deal-makers or -killers. This should be a list of 3–5 points. Not a long list of requirements we think we must have and the often longer list of things we think we don’t (often based on past negative experiences with others). In place of BANT, for myself I devised RIBS:

  • Relationship — Genuine desire for a long-term one
  • Inner life, emotional intelligence, self-awareness
  • Brains — Must have them and possess common sense
  • Sense of humour

Your acronym may vary.

What are most midlife men really looking for?

MMany websites detail how men often find themselves divorced later in life, have no idea what went wrong, and, most critically, never analyze what they contributed, along with their ex-wives, to marital failure.

This is why it’s critically important to qualify and not waste time with nice but clueless guys like The Toothpicker who just want to return to the security of marriage and treat Ms. Close-Enough-For-Government-Work (that’s you) like they’ve been married for thirty years.

These mediocre midlife daters are extremely common. They’re good guys, but they don’t M.A.F.E. (Make A Fuckin’ Effort) and haven’t a clue why they’re divorced.

They want security and emotional support on a conscious or subconscious level, but shoot themselves in the foot by possessing near-zero understanding of what women want or seek.

It’s like going out to buy a car without evaluating what you actually want. Status and prestige? Great mileage? Low maintenance? High safety? Will you buy the sleek-looking, sexy Ferrari only to realize later you can’t afford it? Or a less-sexy hybrid that’ll drive you to the ends of the earth and back?

I know, I know, women aren’t cars. They’re definitely not cars to men. If we were, men would know more about us than they do their own children.

We’re all buyers and sellers in the dating scene. Know what we want, offer what they want.

Lack of self-awareness is why I made ‘inner life, self-awareness, emotional intelligence’ the disqualifier if I don’t see it in a profile. I might chat him up, in case he didn’t make it clear. Or I might breeze past for lower-hanging, more clearly self-aware fruit.

Self-awareness is extremely difficult for many men. Their traditional unwillingness to handle emotions or engage in self-analysis eliminates a fair chunk of them.

That’s how it must be. I won’t settle. I don’t need a man that badly anymore. Men, do you really have time for mediocre women? What’s really important for you?

Being alone isn’t the worst scenario. Every minute you’re not wasting on someone who’s simply inappropriate for you is time you could have spent reading a book, watching a good movie or documentary, meditating, writing, engaging in personal growth work.

For many women, we want to eliminate the emotionally avoidant.

For men, from what I’ve heard and read so far, they want to eliminate crazy chicks. Fair enough!

It doesn’t matter how good-looking, well-off, funny, intelligent, and sincerely desirous of a long-term relationship a man is, if he’s un-self-aware, I leave him for someone less discriminating. Like maybe that gal from my research awhile back whose photo showed off her tight, revealing exercise garb and an equally skimpy profile. I hope her marketing message is aligned with her objectives. She says she wants a relationship but her message suggests she’s going to waste a lot of time.

It gets better, I promise

OOnce you’ve set down your 3–5 sticking points, you qualify, qualify, qualify and, contrary to the advice of your Nonna, get more picky rather than less.

No date is a wash if you learn something important. Just remember: Being more focused and targeted doesn’t mean you’ll find Mr./Ms. Right in a few weeks.

I live in the fourth-largest city in North America by population, so by adapting my lifelong professional sales methodology to my dating strategy, I hope to stand a much better chance of defying the odds and finding a really great partner even in middle-age.

Made A Fuckin’ Effort

RRecently I met up with The Bay Streeter. (Bay Street is Canada’s financial district.) He dressed better than most Spinal Tappers. He was young, good-looking, and when I tried to put him off in chat after The Toothpicker, he responded that I should be taken out for a glass of wine and civilized conversation.

He was too young even for a cougar like me, but I took the bait.

Sexy man in half-light offering a glass of wine in a fancy goblet and a come-hither look
Sexy man in half-light offering a glass of wine in a fancy goblet and a come-hither look
CC0 Public Domain

So on a grey Saturday I schlepped downtown to meet at a nice slightly upscale restaurant with a classy lounge. He was good-looking, fun and had a sense of humour. I would have met up with him again, but he wasn’t interested. I was a little disappointed.

But, he delivered on his promise. A glass of wine and a civilized, enjoyable evening. Nothing more, nothing less.

The big take-away was that I could still be attracted to someone I barely knew. That was huge. I’d begun to think there was something wrong with me because I‘m not much attracted to men anymore.

They’re not that interested, or interesting.

It’s because the vast majority don’t M.A.F.E.

He upped the game for the rest.

When I’m not implementing my four-point RIBS dating strategy from my Den O’ Iniquity in Toronto, I publish a new chapter a week of my dark fantasy novel Tales From The Anonymous Divorced Witchbabe.

Nicole Chardenet

Written by

Blogger, author, egalitarian, into brains & Buddhist psychology, living in the Murky Middle of political/social thought. Too strong & empowered to be a feminist

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