Showing up sober.

There was a rock bottom, I just can’t remember it. There were moments of such despair the only respite I received was from a knife to the my skin or a flight of whiskeys. The pure hatred of self, of my foundation, my core. Whose skin is this? I stopped recognizing myself long ago. I often told people I confided in I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. Whose face is this? In my darkest days, sleep never came. In the better days, I prayed for the end. I wondered if this was the life I was meant to live? Was it even possible to come up from this murky marsh I lived beneath? For many years, I saw traces of light. I started to begin to be able, little by little, to identify emotions and moments of happiness succinctly. This is what made me feel good. Could it last? From these moments of clarity came a relapse, then clarity, then relapse. Little did I know that with each cycle, I came close to a truth. Over the next 3 years, I inched my way, like the slowest moving sloth, closer to sobriety — my light. This was who I was meant to be. This is what feels good. I am no longer my father, my mother, my childhood, my insecurity or dread. I was, and actually, have always been whole; made of pure light. What sobriety has brought to my life in the past month, no amount of therapy or yoga could ever truly achieve. This was the missing link, there was no shortcut, no moderation, no smart way to alter my mind and body after everything I have been through. Abstinence is the only way.

Sobriety has brought me closer to my body; to that face I used to not recognize. Now, I look in the mirror and I recognize that woman. Through meditation practice, I’ve been able to start to become comfortable with sitting in this body. I can hear it cry or complain; I can hear it rejoice and triumph. It’s all there. My thoughts have become my friends and I greet them with open arms, not allowing them to rule me any longer. If you wanna hurt, I will hear your hurt and let you cry, my love. I am here for you, every inch. Whether its pain of happiness, I listen to my body and move with it. I don’t fight anymore. I make smart decisions because that’s what my body wants to do. While my brain wants to depress and dive into the marsh, I have the tools now to not feed those hungry ghosts. It’s all about control, and I finally have it back.

I can’t get over how wonderful it is not to wake up with hangovers. At 29, the hangovers were becoming so pronounced. I didn’t have to go out and binge to feel it, one or two beers was enough. With no more late nights, or lack of good sleep from alcohol, I can sleep 8 hours and pop up out of bed. My skin has become radiant and I’ve lost some pounds and inches. I didn’t go into this for the vanity, but it certainly does not hurt to start finding yourself more physically attractive and alive.

With this new sense of mental, emotional, and physical wellness I have started moving my body in ways that I only dreamed of. I have always been interested in yoga, though while drinking, I found it difficult to make its to weekend classes or even afford them. My body has become to crave these poses and I’ve come to desire the connection of breath to my movements. When I surrender to a pose, connect the breath, and comfortably become them, I feel free at last. The greatest lesson from my yoga is I am forever student. I will always be a student of this life, of my sobriety. For as long as I am blessed enough to live, I will honor my journey and I hope to inspire others to honor and follow theirs.

This path is so new to me, and I am growing into each a little more each day. Just by showing up to my sobriety each day, I am following my truth. All I can do is honor this with the greatest of my capability daily. Educate myself, learn about myself and the world; hear and read the stories of the struggling. I am you, and you are me. I am here for you. I love you.