10 Ways to Increase Voter Turnout

1. Free Burritos

Nothing says America like performing your civic duty only because you’ve been promised Chipotle.

2. A $100 Gift Card to Ikea

Gone would be the sentiment of government never does anything for me. You could furnish most of your apartment for $100 at IKEA! Sure nothing will be built correctly, but it will look nice — and isn’t that all that we’re trying to do here?

3. The REAL American Dream: Calorie Free Pizza

Super Inspiring Candidate: Imagine a world of diets that consist of eating pizza. We went to the moon! This is is within our reach! Not just a slice of pizza either. I want to be able to lose weight and eat an entire pizza BY MY SELF. And by YOURSELF! That’s the America I know, that’s the America I aspire to!

4. Make it a National Holiday

Most days we wake up and want to stay in bed all day. But, it seems like a waste to use your vacation days. Those are supposed to be used when you’ve planned to stay in a different bed, in a different city. Side Note — if we could vote from our beds….100% turn out.

5. Pay For the Gym Membership That We Don’t Use.

Look you SHOULD have a gym membership. Do you use the gym membership? No. I should send my relatives birthday cards, do I? No. But we still have a post office.

6. Frank Underwood Campaigns in Character for the Candidate

All he has to do is get on stage for Trump and give a normal speech. It will be half as written and Kevin Spacey will make it sound like Shakespeare. We all know we’re just leading up to him breaking the fourth wall. Then he does! And he tells us that if we don’t vote he’ll Kate Mara us! I don’t want to get hit by a bus! I’m sure as hell gonna vote now!

7. Hire Olivia Pope — Same Premise as Before…

I don’t know who Kerri Washington is. I don’t care who she is voting for. However, if she starts stumping for a candidate in Character I would listen. I would make my decision based on her pitch, because Olivia Pope is not wrong. Imagine the enthusiasm behind a Hillary Clinton Candidacy with the slogan “Gladiator in a Pant-Suit.

8. No More Carly Rea Jepsen

I really really really don’t want to hear her sing another song.

9. Black Mail

Use snapchat photos sent from when you first downloaded the app. Threaten to send all those disgusting dick pics to your mom or grandma. Say what uncle Sam? You’re gonna send what? Well where do I sign up? I am disgusting.

10. Combat the Notion That Voting is a Time Suck

Because you guys we’re busy. We’ve got a happy hour to go to, an hour or so of contemplating and ultimately not going to that new thing that’s opening, and we’re all exhausted — so forgive me if I don’t feel like it’s the best use of my time. I’m sure Tim Ferris said something about not voting because a rich guy already chose the next President.