Today is one of those days where I want to apologize to everyone I know. I want to apologize that the way I make sense of life, and view myself and others, is very much confined to words, to categories, to deciphering intentions and subversive implications; in a language in which I’ll convince myself I’ve won. To all of those who felt subjected to what may very well be considered a disgusting reality in my head, I’m sorry. If only I could convince skeptics that it’s not so ugly, that I believe in a bigger picture that we’re all trying to understand. But I suppose I have not done much (yet) to expect that faith from anyone. That’s the first step, I guess. This middle zone sucks, though. On one hand, I feel fear from choosing a path of loneliness, of being disliked. On the other hand, I don’t want to take myself too seriously, and instead just improve my performative barriers in the service of others. It’s difficult to construct a way of thinking that emerges from this dichotomy, though, to yield that it perhaps doesn’t need to be a performance. At this time and place, unfortunately it’s impossible. I don’t like it but it is what it is.

Edit: (2 hours later) LOL!

Edit: (3.5 hours later) The moment you try, with all your idealism, to accommodate for (and inherently benefit from) too many conflicting perspectives, everything crumbles apart. Nothing more to say other than, for the lack of a better word, um — Owie.

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