
Many a time I have felt the aches and pains of being invited on a guilt trip. Some of them with persuasion, “If you care about me, you should do [fill in the blank].” Others were more disciplinary, “I’ve raised you better than that,” or “You know better…” Then, there are the ones that are subtle, so indistinct that I really can’t begin to describe it specifically besides that they can be some of the most painful and confusing of mindf*!ks. All of which fall under manipulative tactics (whether intentional or not), used to control another’s behavior, for better or for worse.
The topic of guilt / guilt trips, surfaced when I pulled Tarot cards for August. I’d like to think I’ve healed much personal guilt from over the years. Gaining awareness, spotting the techniques some of the people closest to me use to shape my actions, but there’s always more to learn. So let’s dive a little deeper, shall we?
It seems to me, there’s a tipping of the scale when we see people that feel guilty vs. those that seem to go through their entire lives guilt-free. Does feeling more guilt necessarily mean that wrongdoing has taken place? Of course not, the same way never feeling guilt — at least consciously, doesn’t equate to being an upstanding citizen. Guilt renders us to become blocked in one way or another. It’s a toxic dance going from guilt to shame and back again. Sabotaging our opportunities in a variety of ways, sometimes even turning into self-hatred, repeating cycles that keep bringing up the same feelings, often allowing fear to take over and halting from making positive changes. Sometimes even believing these are healthy, typical signs of human relationships because it’s so normalized.
Culturally it almost seems that we are supposed to feel excessive guilt, maybe it’s been designed that way. After all, shouldn’t someone pay for the inhumane actions that became acceptable practices. I’m sure you can think of some, so I’ll refrain from starting a list. If this is true, guilt becomes an oppressive cycle.
This is my account, a reminder for myself that being plagued by sin doesn’t make anyone else’s life better. On several occasions my actions were formed and built on guilt trips. The people-pleaser personality I was ingrained in, had a hard time seeing some of it, as it was, usually giving in to the idea that someone, anyone knew better than me. Mostly unintentional until recently, the last few years I’ve been working on resolving this, it’s still hard. When I stick up for myself, there’s just no guarantee I’m not going to hear criticism and that’s life I guess.
As I began to develop this entry through the month, I happened to watch the film Moonstruck. The following day I realized that Loretta Castorini had some similar stuff she was dealing with… SPOILER ALERT (Go watch the film on Vudu RN and then finish reading.) Generally speaking, it’s the way the characters relate to one another. The idea that certain people can get away with certain things but suddenly if someone else does it, there’s a problem. Historically this is normalized, men vs. women, white vs. black, parent vs. child, etc. etc. There’s a scene in the movie when Cher’s character Loretta is leaving the Opera and sees her Father with another woman — not her Mother. Right away she confronts him, with a WTF look on her face and is ready for some sort of explanation. Her Father’s face screams guilty or perhaps just embarrassment from being caught, but he wastes no time diverting the situation back to her, and what she is doing there. She had walked into the spin zone. The difference is that most of the movie Loretta is trying to deal and process her guilt, at least from how I saw it. She could have easily tried to blame others for what had happened, but she didn’t. She accepted her responsibility in the role she played when things started to fall apart / in place.
Personally, I have some conflicting opinions on the topic of guilt itself but I’m not going to get into that here. Typically, we’re taught from an early age that if we do something “bad” we should feel badly about it, embarrassed. Feeling guilty can almost seem like some sort of badge of honor to wear, because then, it means we have grown to know “right” from “wrong.” This can really be where it gets complicated because “bad” is afterall, an opinion. The lines are blurred when another person’s moral code differs from our own. Like a teacher may have a problem with a child’s behavior and the parent may not. Some of us have been carrying these burdens for lifetimes, it’s imperative that as a collective, we release these feelings. I can get angry and upset when others don’t accept their wrong doing and don’t own up to their shitty actions, especially if they are quick to make excuses or shift the blame. The same people that never seem to feel the discomfort and debilitating feels of guilt. However, there stands a lesson for me to learn. Why should I let any past (or new) feelings of guilt or shame weigh me down to feel inadequate? Am I really letting someone else’s judgements and opinions shape how I feel? How much do other’s judgements matter? Does it come from a place of care and concern? Even if it does, how will we feel in the long run by submitting.
It’s healthy to sit with these uncomfortable emotions and eventually move through them. Getting to a place where you’re not stuck, but seeing what is being told from a situation, a person, or a place. “Did I really step out of bounds and mess something up or was it broken before I got there?” Maybe it’s a bit of both, “What role did I play in this outcome? How do I feel about it?”

How many times have you seen someone that, in your opinion, overreacted? There’s a saying about “kick the cat” or “kick the dog” a metaphor talking about how people that are higher up in authority will attempt to dump their problems, shifting blame to the one below them. It’s the human food chain. Pretty quickly you can get into a situation where shits going down hill and if you’re not careful, you’re covered in it. When we’re too caught up in our feelings we’re definitely more likely to fling our own waste on the next available person. Ask yourself if you’re simply a victim of manipulation or did you really do something that was “bad.” Annnd if you do identify as the victim you may need some extra time, to really dig deep to uncover why things went down the way they did. Sometimes we just aren’t ready for that information until years later. The goal? To rise above and be able to stay in a place of observation, so that we release the burden of victimization. When we do, we become empowered.
It boils down to responsibility, owning our power, what we feed into. For me, and a lot of other folks I was conditioned to underestimate my own power. Responsibility is response to a situation and “bad” things happening doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. A lot of people that grow up in dysfunctional families are made to feel that somehow they are to blame for the dysfunction. It just continues the cycle and it takes time to see through the illusion, step away and observe it from the outside looking in.
Affirm: I will not allow others to impose their guilty conscious onto me. Their burdens are not mine to carry. I release all emotional baggage. I am free.
