Human connection is an important, fleeting thing

I’ve been reflecting on human connection a lot these last few days. How we find like minded folks, how we open up, how we connect. It’s fascinating. It’s not destined to be, nor is it random chance. We give off subtle hints about ourselves, some intentional, some lackadaisical, and some we would be horrified to know we’re giving off.

We pick up on these hints in others, or at least I do. I’m always reading those subtle hints, the things we’re afraid to say to each other but desperately want someone else to know.

We want to be seen, to be understood. But we don’t want to be criticized for who we truly are. To be rejected because our core being is deemed “unworthy,” “immoral,” or worse “boring.”

So we do this dance, dropping cues we hope only those who approve of us can read. Hoping this dance leads to understanding, to being seen, to being loved for who we are.

Sometimes we connect, sometimes we just bounce away from each other.

I like studying people, and I’ve developed a skill for reading people. I have some theories on where this comes from, and it’s not a particularly bright place in my past. But also from this past comes a strong desire to say “fuck this shit, I’m going to be open, honest, and authentic.”

So I’m an open book these days, mostly. It’s not an innate trait, and I can still be very guarded on some things, but it is a thing I do a lot. I embrace TMI. I refuse to be repressed.

This definitely affects how people see me. My sometimes bizarre interest in people leads me to reading there subtle hints others drop. And then skipping the dance. I go straight to my inner core, and surprise people.

People impressed with me not because I’m actually more interesting (I don’t think), but because I surprise them.

I sometimes grow tired of people seeing me as special. I think most people are at least somewhat special. They just don’t express it the way I do.

Regardless, I often find myself in the position of “teacher who blows people’s minds.” It’s actually really draining most of the time, and I wonder why people find this compelling.

I don’t know.

Nonetheless this is my role in life, and I’d rather fulfill it than ignore it.

I think everyone wants to be more open about themselves, deep down. They don’t want the conflict that often comes with it, unlike me. Apparently. But everyone wants to be seen.

I think that’s one of the fundamental desires of our species.

This is the part of this post where I’m supposed to say “be bold,” “be yourself ,” “don’t worry about what others think,” and other such superlative encouragements that will lead to you finding happiness.

But this is not that post. I don’t know how most people can do this. We as a species are inherently at odds with each other. We as individuals are often at odds with ourselves even.

I don’t really have a point with this, and I suppose that is my truth:

We are all lost contradictions, and how we connect is a by product of our pasts, and our traumas.

I’m just a strange byproduct who is adept at connecting.

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