I am about to sound like a pompous b*tch now, but I think I will say it anyway: If you’re Direct Messaging me on any social media platform for anything other than business, I will not respond.

If you say HI though, I might reply. But if your immediate next message is going to be ‘what’s up?’ or ‘how’s life?’ or something boring, mundane and generic like that, I will cut the conversation short.

If you want to ‘franship’ me, I will not respond.

If you want to get my help with any writing project, I will respond. I am ever willing to give my feedback, criticism. But if you don’t take criticism well, don’t message me.

If you’re not someone who usually keeps in touch but now want to get through to a mutual friend, I will respond depending on my mood.

If you tell me you have a ‘proposition’, I might respond.

I am not looking for a boyfriend. I don’t drink coffee.

If you want to bitch about someone, I’m busy.

If your question is Negombo-related, I will respond.

If you’re a girl, there’s an 80% chance of me replying you.

If you are a ‘Princess’, you fall in that 20% I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole — I don’t know how to talk to royalty.

If you’re a boy, I will reply depending on how you approach me. If you’re trying to buy slippers for your girlfriend, I’ll go out of my way to help.

If you’re a gentleman, you will not message me unless it’s business.

If you’re a minor, what the fuck are you doing online?

If you’re family, Call.

That’s all.