The one I couldn’t satisfy
“I give up little darlin’. No matter what I do, girl you know it’s true, ain’t good enough for you.” — Bruce Springsteen.
I’ve been with this girl for about four years now. It’s not a traditional relationship–she’s foreign and there’s a lot of long-distance stuff. Most of my family hasn’t met her. I’m sure that they think she’s made up.
We started off slow, just a few dates here and there, but then started seeing each other a lot, and finally made it ‘official’. In so many ways, she was, the one. I mean the complete package. The collector’s edition. Way out of my league. A total moon shot. I didn’t know any guys like me who ended up with someone like this. So, I guess I was a bit intimidated from the start.
Things were good initially as we tried to work out our schedules. It wasn’t easy, but it looked like it might really happen. But soon enough, I started to hear that same voice I’d heard in all my other relationships: “Why aren’t you spending more time with me?” She never exactly said it out loud, but I felt it all the time.
Every time I’d walk out of the room, I could just sense that disapproving frown. I knew she was comparing me to other guys who seemed like they were giving a whole lot more time than me. Smarter, more talented, or just more willing to spend a ton of time with her. But I just couldn’t commit to that kind of relationship.
When I’d be out with friends afterwards, I’d be thinking about her. Part of me really wanted to hang out more, and part of me wondered if it was starting to get dysfunctional. I’d get text messages late at night and I’d always respond, but I just felt like I was supposed to be doing more.
I’ve always tried to make the most of the time we have together. Yeah, I probably took it too far with all the timers and logging of events, and I know she rolls her eyes when I check my watch, but sometimes I need it to make sure I’m giving her the time she needs. I try to surprise her with bonus time now and again, but even then, I feel like I’m just disappointing her more when I leave. Whenever I do have to cut our time short, I always promise that I’ll make it up to her. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.
Then there’s the distractions when we are together. I’m no saint here. Sometimes it’s harmless stuff like checking Twitter or the scores of the game when we are supposed to be doing something important. Other times, I see a link on a page and I click it and wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. I feel terrible even admitting it, because I know how good she is to me, but it’s still there.
The worst part is that we’re actually really good together. When things are great, they are really great. I love being with her, and we can have a lot of fun together. But I always have that doubt inside my head that she’d be better off with someone else, or that I’ll never be able to live up to her expectations and aspirations. Most of the time I think she deserves better.
If things get bad, I try to spice it up and change how we spend our time together. It works for a while, but the newness fades away and old habits come back. I get nervous that one day she’s going to get tired of my tricks.
The worst part is I know what she really wants out of me. Even though all I usually think about is the time we spend or don’t spend together, what she really wants is someone who is reliable, keeps his promises, and delivers on a few great experiences now and again. She’s got goals, but she’s understanding too. She wants to achieve them, but she’s patient with me as long as I don’t lose sight and keep at it a little every day.
Truth be told, none of this is new to her. I’ve been with others, and I’ve had the same problem. So I know it’s not her. Most of the time I’m putting words in her mouth. But I can’t shake that feeling that she’s always chasing after me for more. That I’m never giving enough. That things are ok, but not what they could be.
In short, I love my job. It’s an amazing experience that I’ll treasure forever. But, I think I’ll always feel like it wants more out of me than I’m able to give, which is true of most of my life. So, I’m on what feels like a never-ending quest to manage that tension. My greatest hope is that even if I am feeling anxious in the moment, I can sit down with the photo album and smile at all the great people, memories, and accomplishments, and know that it made a positive difference.
à la the multitalented Bhavani Ravi