Where Has Femininity Gone?
Bring Back Femininity
Often it seems that women are encouraged and aspire to pursue male traits and male accomplishments exclusively, often feeling empty and dissatisfied as a result. Dissatisfaction can breed resentment, cynicism and bitterness. Men can try to go along to get along by sharing the load at home and supporting women in traditionally male workplaces and disciplines. Men can be willing to put their ambitions aside to support ‘a balanced home’ and support a ‘balanced workplace’. This all sounds well and good.
My question is this, where have the healthy women’s peer groups gone? You know, multi-generations that reinforce positive belief systems and values, and don’t tolerate self-deceptions like victim or oppressor narratives. Where are the peer groups that encourage women to become all they’re capable of becoming and being: Feminine power in its healthiest form.
With these reinforcing value systems absent, how have we all lost a footing in our psychological base and our homes? What have our children lost? How has the uni-directional social distortion of women’s ambitions affected us all? I don’t know the answer to this, but I’d love to know.
“Lie #1 — Male traits and traditionally male accomplishments are the only attributes valued by society, and therefore the only ambitions worth pursuing.”
Modern peer-groups are going to great efforts to support a lie, and not discuss the lie. This is a never-ending downward spiral of creative energy going into supporting something that is at the very least, a gross distortion.
“Women are nature and creation and are capable of giving birth to creation, and healing creation — they hold the space and create the space for creation, harmony and redemption.”
One of my fondest joys as a father these days is talking to my 10 year-old daughter about her life’s ambitions. She has a litany of dreams and ambitions with no limits on occupations and sports. This is no small victory for humanity, and western culture at large. It’s beyond heartwarming and inspiring to share in her ‘no limits’ attitude.
Economic realities notwithstanding, my concern is that my daughter’s current balance and integration of her interests, strengths and attributes will implicitly and explicitly get directed more and more towards the distortion of ‘Lie # 1’. This presents the real possibility that some of her greatest soul’s desires and more traditionally feminine ambitions and strengths get forgotten or worse, denigrated by today’s prevalent dogma.
It is common for modern women to take their greatest creative gifts off daily into cubed Dilbert offices eating microwaved ramen noodles under florescent lights to shuffle papers in competition and cooperation with their colleagues. Unsurprisingly, this can be dissatisfying. Outsourcing childcare creates additional strains on the family.
When I think of women in some office-spaces, I think of adults going to kindergarten to compete with the kids in a Spelling Bee. They can do it very well if they want, but ultimately the whole experience is dissatisfying because well, it’s unfulfilling for anyone to compete in a domain that’s not aligned to their deepest desires win, lose or draw.
I suppose I’ve been lucky. I’ve had a work and life experience that has been incredibly reinforcing of healthy professional behaviors. What has been valued in my work experience since my earliest days is integrity and character first, and competence and willingness to shoulder increased responsibility a close second. If you’re lucky enough to become a knowledge worker, the ability to frame and sell your ideas becomes increasingly important.
In my experience, my work environments have always reinforced ‘positive male values and traits’. These are of course, largely positive human values and traits. Sports and social life, family life and friends all reinforced the same. In the case of mixed social settings, healthy and balanced women have always been quick to point out any pernicious, typically masculine pathologies like tyranny, win at all costs, materialism, hedonism, etc. Any pathological ideas, self-deceptions, and behaviors have consistently been kept in-check by my support networks over time. I suspect, women used to keep other women in-check in the same way.
Gratefully, I benefited from a rich childhood experience living and working in family-farming communities in my summers. These weren’t Amish communities by any stretch. They were modern for the time and very quick to modernize. Relative to today’s experience though as I look back, it was very much like spending summers in the movie ‘Witness’. Their connection to the outside world was through face-to-face interactions, as well as weekly print, daily local radio, and limited programming on our national TV station (when the aerial was tuned and the weather held). The phone system was a ‘party line’, often shared by four households or more.
Because of the common battle against nature and economics and through having strongly held values, this community was much more cooperative than competitive despite being in the same business. This goes both for the men and the women. It was not uncommon for a cow to give birth in the middle of a freezing night in a freezing field during calving season. These moments were exciting and even fun, but also serious life and death was in the balance, along with significant business stakes. All hands were on deck to help in any way they could. It was the epitome of teamwork, and a genuine call to adventure.
The local Schoolhouse had been converted to a country home for a young yuppie who decided to move to the country and commute to the city. One summer evening, the bull in the pasture nearby, wandered through the electric fence and straight into the garden of the tenant in the former Schoolhouse. Imagine, the landlord’s bull just trampled the tenant’s vegetable garden and destroyed the fence in the process, opening the way for the herd. Additionally of course, there was a real possibility that the bull could get agitated and continue his path of destruction.
My Uncle and Aunt kicked into action, as a team. My Uncle dealt with the bull and the fence, and my Aunt repaired the garden and handled the relationship with the tenant. None of these divisions of duties would have needed to be discussed, it was just second-nature. They both focused on their strengths and the problem got solved not only to everyone’s satisfaction but as was common, all relationships were strengthened through the process.
In that time, there was definitely no difference between who worked harder between the men and the women. They both gave 100% all the time. They had different challenges and different strengths. There were different sacrifices and worries. They had unique ambitions and rewards, and there just wasn’t spare time or energy to foster bitterness, envy, or resentment. In all cases, the peer groups supported healthy belief systems, ambitions and partnerships. I’m sure there was plenty of gossip, but these communities were all built on a foundation of healthy reinforcing cooperation in supporting one another in their strengths, and leveraging unique talents and abilities to live out their dreams. ‘Lie #1’ was non-existent.
Back then, they were much closer to the line of survival. This made them all cooperative and grateful for everything they had and every step towards progress they were able to make. They were grateful for each other. I suspect they were even happy for their neighbors’ successes. Any success for the community made them all stronger and more hopeful. They definitely weren’t comparing their partner or relationships to images on TV or magazines, which is so hilarious to think about. Additionally, I highly doubt they were raising their kids to be ‘accomplishment-seeking-missiles pruned and pointed directly at Harvard Admissions’ (to quote Jonathan Haidt). They wanted their kids to grow up into fulfilling balanced lives with healthy relationships and healthy grandchildren, ideally taking up the family business.
When women gather in social groups today, they frequently seem to put energy into trying to reinforce or sustain ‘Lie #1’ exclusively. This leads me to wonder, what did peer groups encourage and foster among young women in traditional and often multi-generational communities? And, where have these value systems gone, and at what cost?
I’m not suggesting we turn back the clocks. Nor do I believe that men aren’t well on their way to suffering the same fate. Our modern-day atomization of society and bubble-wrapping our youth is taking us quickly towards a total lack of naturally occurring multi-generational healthy peer support groups for men and for women. What will be left to keep our pathologies, neuroses, and narcissism in-check? Maybe it’s time to take a discerning look at what we’re culturally leaving behind in our rush from our past. Baby + bath water.
Neil McDougall is a global nomad expat father of two, who believes our shared reality is our shared responsibility.
Originally published at www.synthesismeaning.me on November 11, 2018.
