If you have hope.

Living is hard. Being happy is hard…trying to figure out which one is more difficult is the hardest. It’s not as simple as waking up and telling yourself it’s going to be a good day. It isn’t as simple as talking it out with a friend. It’s never simple, regardless of whether you’re on pills, self medicated or none of the above. It is never, ever simple. People who have never woken up feeling like there is nothing inside of them and don’t understand why are the people who will tell you to just cheer up. “Just cheer up”, easy peasy. They are the people who will say things get better, just be strong….everything happens for a reason. They are the people that don’t understand what it’s like to have no will to even get out of bed but some how you do it. They will never understand how exhausting it is pretending to be ok when just below the surface you are barely keeping your shit together. You lie because you don’t want people to worry about you and you also don’t want people to think you’re just looking for attention. So you tell jokes and you smile and laugh and everyone falls for it. It’s the small mental breakdowns in the bathroom on your lunch break that they don’t get to see or the million times you’ve talked yourself down from losing it at your desk that they’ll never know about. You certainly don’t want to feel this way, no one would ever want to feel this way and no one deserves to ever feel this way but, you do. Every day. You feel a void in the pit of your chest, echoing every sob into your pillow. You feel tired and empty…you feel like there is absolutely nothing you can offer this world. You don’t understand why but that voice inside your head seems to think it’s because you’re worthless. You have no talent, no special skills, you are a waste of air that shouldn’t even be here. That voice in your head is cruel and angry. It’s a big bully that gets it’s kicks off breaking you down just a little bit more every single solitary day. The worst part? You let it. You take each blow, each awful thing it tells you and you believe it. It’s the easiest thing in the world for you to do. You believe it because it’s all you’ve ever known. Even with people in your life telling you you’re talented or beautiful or amazing…none of those voices are as loud as the one inside your head. All day, every day…the only constant in your life that you can depend on. Some days are better than others but only for a little while, eventually it’ll find you and knock you over. Sometimes you’re amazed that you’ve survived this long without taking a swan dive or having a bottle of pills for dinner. Some days you wish you had done that a long time ago because you, like usual, can’t understand what the point of living is. It’s because you’ve never known true happiness. This isn’t the way another human being makes you feel, that’s only temporary, that’s only while they’re around you. True happiness is what you create inside of yourself. It’s everlasting, it’s there to defeat the darkness that’s crawled up inside of you and dug it’s claws in. You don’t know how to feel this. Deficient in being anything but sad and empty. But, it’s been so long that you’ve accepted that this is how you’ll feel until the day you honestly can’t take it anymore. Not to say you’d kill yourself though you’ve thought about it a million times and will think about it a million more. Maybe some day you will or maybe some day you just stop caring about whether you survive another day and make little effort to try and stay alive. In the back of your mind you pray that you’ll get into an accident or get hit by a bus or die in your sleep because at least…that way…people wont be mad at you for killing yourself. That’s the funny part, right? If you honestly can’t take it anymore and you make the choice to take the forever sleep then people will be mad at you. Right? They’ll be mad that you didn’t try harder even though you know you’ve tried your best. They might call you selfish but it’s only because they don’t understand. Hopefully though, you’re smarter and stronger than the darkness inside you. It’s been around for so long you can’t possibly believe it’s only temporary. It’s all you know. It’s all you feel when you’re alone. It can’t possibly be temporary. Oh, It is. It’s a lifelong war with battle after battle but you can always win. You’ve gotten this far, you’ve come this far…you’ve survived your personal end of the world more time than you can count but here you are. Alive. Sometimes barely but alive none the less and I know you’re stronger than the dark. Fight it with everything you have, with every last bit of energy inside of you. Keep fighting it and never, ever stop because this world can be a beautiful place. You are your only key to happiness, embrace who you are and all your flaws and you’ll find that key. Keep it close to your heart and if you have hope than you have everything.

J.

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