The One Married, Fertile Woman and One Married, Fertile Man-ifesto: How to Lose Friends, Alienate People, and Vote No in #MarRef

by Ciarán Reinhardt

Dear Faithfully Non-Departed

Thank you for joining our dear, dear cause. No promises, but you’re defo on the express train straight to heaven. ALL ABOARD! Choo choo, motherfucker.

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. It’s been 6 minutes since my last confession and these are my sins. I’m sorry I said “motherfucker” and I’m sorry for saying it again just now.

Back to business, now. Where were we? Oh yes,

The first rule of “No Gays” club is that you never talk about “No Gays” club. Or the marriage referendum. Talk about literally anything else. The more we have to talk about the Marriage Referendum itself, the more we have to admit we just think two dudes or two ladies enjoying each other’s company is icky.

Don’t worry, it’s not as difficult as you think. We understand your reticence — we’re super-reticent, us. A lot of people find it hard to be a h̶o̶m̶o̶p̶h̶o̶b̶e̶ No-Voter at first, but we will guide you through the process in a safe and secure and loving and equal and accepting environment. Unlike those Yes campers.

To get you started, a few words and phrases to introduce into your vocabulary:

  • no
  • not-yes
  • phobia (but not the gay kind)
  • surrogacy
  • adoption
  • man-woman
  • synergy
  • synergistic synergy
  • this isn’t balanced
  • bigot? me? how very dare you be such a bully
  • bully
  • you’re bullying me
  • stop bullying me
  • disgusting
  • disgraceful
  • children
  • Murray v Ireland (warning: don’t read it it’s super-long. if you’ve already read it, misinterpret it to fuck, k?)
  • deprive
  • Catholic
  • Christian
  • children
  • Christian children
  • children called Christian (except the gay ones)
  • I’m a good Catholic
  • Illegitimi non carborundum
  • Opus who?
  • repression doesn’t exist
  • of course we don’t have AMERICAN FUNDS
  • in my opinion those facts are wrong
  • here’s the real facts
  • no seriously you’re bullying me now stop it
  • so hateful
  • not us, we’re perfect
  • Leviticus what?
  • of course I have a point
  • you’re not answering my question what about children
  • right to a mother
  • un/natural
  • Sodom and Gomorrah
  • sodomy and begorrah
  • grotesque

Recite them loudly and recite them often. If we’re not #blessed enough to win this war, we won’t have our freedom of speech anymore. The #YESstapo are going to take it away from us if Article 41* of the constitution is fundamentally changed forever. BULLIES! Use your conscience and THINK OF THE CHILDREN and vote NO to Kim-Jong Queers. #adamandeve

And remember if all else fails: nail yourself to that cross; figuratively, of course. While you’re doing Jesus’s work, you are NOT ACTUALLY Jesus and you will not rise again and you will be of no use to us. A dead NO vote is a YES vote.

*if anyone knows what this bit of the constitution really is pls let us know.