Love & Marriage: the union between you and your work
Learning how to realize that everything is correlated, took time. Learning how to know myself, took even longer. I had always been a bit girlish and naive, which translated in my work. Drawing fashion figures and cute animals felt familiar to me, and I was typically hired under the pretense of knowing exactly how to create this in a way that was eye catching for the young female audience. This drove me for a while, but as I grew older, eventually began to lack depth. It wasn’t until I reached a place of utter self-destruction, that I realized how separate I had become from my work.
Being encouraged to follow your passion was always fully enforced in my household. I pursued an education in Illustration, because I wanted to become a commercial artist. I attended one of the top school’s for illustration, The University of the Arts where I studied deliberately and with honest intent. Here, everyone seemed to radiate talent, students and professors alike. It was a breeding ground for creativity; and I felt a glowing sense of well-being while being there. But once it was all said and done, I didn’t quite know what to make of it all. I had survived art school bootcamp, but what did that mean for my career?
After interning at a popular NY fashion magazine Nylon, I was fortunate enough to enter my career as an illustrator in the toy design industry. This grounded me. I was able to afford the lifestyle I wanted, while at the same time enjoying leisure time in the city with friends and loved ones. This became my pattern. The drum beat that I marched to. I aligned myself with my peers and put traditional ideals at the top of my list, which was nice. But the less time I spent on personal work, the more confusing the idea of my identity became, and eventually I began to resent myself.
In 2013, I realized I was worn thin. I was slowly becoming a ghost of my former self, and it was apparent. My being felt stretched by the amount of people I was trying to please on an everyday basis. I felt drained, and a gaping hole was started to form in the center of my chest. Although I had managed to stay elevated for quite some time by the amount of pot I smoked, my lack of passion was showing at work.
At 26, I lost my job, and the life I had assembled for myself collapsed right before my eyes. By ignoring my primal urges to create personal work, I had somehow become a very distant and unwanted version of myself. I thought it would all be okay as long as I kept going full steam ahead, but by ignoring the signs to slow down and think, I continued to spiral downward. I lost lovers, jobs, friends, and overall trust.
I came back to home base, and separated myself from everything. For the first time in a long time, I needed to see myself against a neutral back drop. I realized that my mind was out of control, and needed to heal. I needed to succumb to failure, and allow myself to go through a metamorphosis. By wrapping myself into a cocoon of self-actualization, I allowed for time to undergo the process. I learned to stop judging where I was, and began to accept it.
Being gentle on myself was key, but it also took work. Nutritionally, physically, and spiritually, I began to rebuild my framework. I made myself new again. Slowly the vibrancy came back, and I was able to recognize the woman I was growing into. Becoming emotionally sound allowed my work to flow more genuinely. I began freelancing and investing time into projects that I truly cared about. I volunteered more, and became a care-giver. I was soon able to make art just for the sake of making art.
The union between myself and my artwork became the most important job I ever had, and overall the most important relationship that I needed to develop. Doing this made me appreciate the path I had set forth on, and in turn made me feel whole again.
— Korean Version Click Here —
Nerissa Tutiven is the professional illustrator and designer working in nyc. You can view her work on her portfolio site http://nerissatutiven.com/.
K/REATE is the professional association for art founded by members of the Korean who are working in Creative fields. We are based on Seoul, London and New York. Our members are Artists, Designers, Dancers, Musicians and so on. Regardless of these awesome back grounds, we will think and suggest creative solutions for social issues and help our students in the name of K/REATE.
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