WAYS TO NOT ACT WHEN LIVING WITH PEOPLE

Living alone for four (4) years with a bit of room to spare, exposed me to different kinds of people and their thought patterns. It is all fun and games for the first few days until they have to stay for more than a week and their way of doing things begins to clash with yours. I learned early, thanks to my dad, to be considerate of other people, and even though I don’t always get it right, I can say that living with people can be easy peasy once you get the barebones right.

Life has rudely taught me that no two people are the same. We may be very similar, but the same? No. We come from different backgrounds and we have different experiences. Therefore, a good place to start is, talk. I saw a post recently with the quote “Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so, if it bothers you, say it”. Countless relationships have been ruined due to trivial issues that could have been avoided if we laid out ground rules and expectations from the beginning. I have learnt that communication is a gift that we just need to learn to use it wisely.

Sometimes, in trying to avoid conflict by sweeping things under the rug, we create an even messier living condition for ourselves. For some reading this, you are chilling in your own apartment, so this doesn’t apply to you… but for some others, it is possible that life has been rough and you may need to crash or squat till you get yourself together. This is NOT the end of the world. This too will pass but you cannot walk around feeling entitled or recalling when you were boss in your palace. Accept where you are, it won’t last long.

Notwithstanding, Do NOT act like you are a guest. Seriously! You are now part of the system and this should generate a sense of ownership. There should be no separation between you and the ‘workings’ of the house. This mindset will help you take responsibility, and everyone loves to be around a person who willingly takes responsibility. Find out how your presence can be positively felt. Do NOT leave the chores undone. It is unrealistic and impossible to do every single chore in the house because your host graciously allowed you crash in on their space but a good way to make your impact felt, is to observe… Observe your host. There are certain chores your host may sincerely dislike, or chores that time won’t allow them get done… Start by doing these.

Help take out the trash or sweep the floor or even do the dishes. Cook occasionally. If something is broken, and you can afford it, fix it. You won’t be a guest forever, but it’ll be great to be remembered as ‘the fixer’.

This in no way reduces the quality of life you have or want to live… you become enjoyable company and may even become a friend (if you weren’t already one). Yeah, and before I forget, (you’ll thank me for this), THE KITCHEN IS NOT YOUR KITCHEN!!! As much as you are willing to go all out and help your hosts, take permission, or better still, discuss your plans to help, with your hosts. If they are carefree, they will let a lot of things slide and you’ll have a lot of freedom to do things your way. However, if they have a preferred way of doing things, your plan to help may tick them off, and for peace to reign, they will choose to be silent. This doesn’t do any good. Take permission before you use stuff around the house. Use words like ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘I appreciate you’, ‘may I’, ‘can I’? And so on.

I’d really advise that you begin with the END in mind, because no matter how amazing and excited your hosts are about having you stay with them, you’re still an extra mouth to feed and a previously unplanned liability to maintain. Your hosts currently must adjust to factor you into their plans. It’ll be unfair even if they don’t complain, to take undue advantage of their hospitality as a ticket to stay for life! The truth is, choosing to step out of your comfort zone, is one of the fastest ways to attain independence. It also is a guaranteed way of securing their respect. So, having hospitable people around is important, but more important should be your desire to be of benefit to them by limiting the amount of time you require their support in the first place. It may require working twice as hard but then, it is guaranteed to produce a much better, stronger, and ultimately more independent you.

Aha! One more thing, Isolation NEVER helps! They said something unfair, big deal! Move on! Like I mentioned earlier, use your gift of communication. If a conflict arises, learn to communicate or adjust in a way that your hosts recognize you are making efforts towards maintaining peaceful coexistence. At all cost, and much as it depends on you, endeavor to live in peace with everyone. Giving cold shoulders or staying in a corner of the house alone due to friction never solves a problem. Find a way to make it right and this way is laced with discretion and grace, not with an attitude. Choosing to walk in love even when your hosts step on your toes (and they will), is always the best option because love never fails. If you are the reason for the friction, be quick to apologize and fix it! Do not let situations drag until they cannot be solved amicably. And don’t just say “sorry”, let it show in changed behavior.

Look, as long as we interact with people, we will have conflict. What we do during conflict reveals who we truly are and the areas in our lives we desperately need to work on. Knowing ahead of time, that people are different is the first step, understanding that in a couple of weeks or years even, that issue wouldn’t be as important, helps you tread carefully. Do not say what you cannot take back. Do not use your words to cut deep. Be kind. People never really forget, and do not talk about your hosts behind their backs… This may be tempting especially when they do things that absolutely leave you feeling unnerved. If you do need to vent, talk to your confidante. In time, you may forgive and forget suffered wrong, but the people who love you will never really forget.

Loose lips ruin the best of relationships. Just imagine what it will do to your relationship with your host if you open up tothe wrong person and your ‘venting’ gets to them…

Living with people is a science and art. No, it is not rocket science. No, it is not impossible, and it can be enjoyed. And like with every topic or concept, knowledge will prevent you from making unwise decisions and you will come out feeling on top.

Hope this helped you…