On Being Lost, Finding the Light, and Fighting Depression: A Light TV Feature Story

Nette’s Blog
Nov 2 · 9 min read

There will come a time in your life that the only thing you can do is to go with the flow.

Frightening, right?

You want me to tell you why?

It is because a life without direction is a life of waste. Don’t be like Alice who was lost in Wonderland.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where…” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Don’t be like me who was lost for almost sixteen years and got lost again recently for about two years.

What do I mean by that?

Read on.


Just How Lost I Was Before I Came Into the Light

I was lost for sixteen years before I knew my First Love.

I was lost on my self-pity due to my not-so-good benefit to my family. You see, I viewed myself as worthless and thought was born only to bring hardships to my parents. That’s because of my weak body as I was going in and out of the hospital all my life. That was a big struggle for my parents financially and emotionally. And I can’t feel any other emotion besides self-pity.

Just like what one of my favorite people, Mommy Let said, I had an inferiority complex. And she’s right. I have lived my life with that.

I began to be lost again when I suffered from major depression almost two years ago and was just currently healed. (Disclaimer: I’ll tell you why later.)

That was a big blow in my Christian life to the point of having some people saying me things like:

“You’re already a Christian, right? Why do you have that?”

“You just have a lack of faith in God’s promises.”

“It’s just an excuse in your laziness.”

It hurts.

I began questioning myself. I began questioning my faith in Him. I also began asking inappropriate questions that led me to self-condemnation.

Two months ago, I was dropped with one of the biggest bad news that ever happened in my life — a rest on the ministry. It was the fruit of being too depressed to handle anything — whatever commitment it may be.

I wasn’t doing well in my studies too. As a BS Food Engineering student, I was too much lost that I can’t even grasp whatever’s happening to me in school. The thing that gave me the most confidence and the thing that I was most passionate about, studying, became the very reason for my stagnant life. This caused me not to graduate on time.

I wasn’t a good testimony in church, in school and my family.

Like Moses (Numbers 11:15) and Elijah (1 Kings 19:3–5), with my soul poured out on Him, I felt the need to asked God to take me instead of letting me live like that. A life of consistent sadness, diminished joy, and continual unfruitfulness.

Who in the right mind, especially when you are a Christian, would want to live a life like that?

Thankfully, just like how He responded to Moses and Elijah, God didn’t rebuked me for what I’m feeling. Rather, He showered me with an everlasting love and undeserved provisions.


The Personal Project that Changed Everything

A month ago, God revealed to me a project that forever changed my life.

I got the core idea of the project when I suddenly remembered a scene from the first-ever movie that brought me to tears, Facing the Giants.

It is the scene when Mr. Ridges shared a story about two farmers who desperately needed rain.

The exchange of dialogue went like this:

Mr. Ridges: I hear a story about two farmers who desperately needed rain and both of them prayed for the rain but only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. Which one do you think God trusted to send the rain?

Grant Taylor: Well, the one who prepared his fields for it.

Mr. Ridges: Which one are you? God will send the rain when He is ready. You need to prepare your field to receive it.

Here’s the scene footage from the Hope Online Project:

I called the project, Preparing-the-Field Project.

It’s a simple project that will let you take significant steps toward the rain that you’re longing for.

That time, the rain that I set my eyes into was to be able to be back in the ministry.

I pushed myself to be better than I was before. I made sure I never neglected any responsibility. But still, I failed.

Something is missing.


The Powerful Push That Led Me to the Rain [Or So I Thought, Just Rain]

You hear the acronym P.U.S.H. right?

Pray Until Something Happens?

I did that.

I lived a life in a desert and I desperately prayed for rain. Not only rain that will quench my thirst for a fruitful and faithful life but the rain that will finally set me free from a very stagnant and deserted life.

To tell you honestly, I was on the edge of giving up — in the ministry, in school, in life, that time. To the point of requesting God to take my life instead of keep living like that.

But God gave me a push too — a push to trust Him no matter what. A push that led Him to grant me the rain showered by Him because of His everlasting love, even when I wasn’t worthy of anything. Or so I thought. Just rain.

Surprisingly (and oh, God loves surprises), He not only grant me rain! He even sent a double rainbow instead of just rain! Literally (see the photo below) and figuratively (see the next part).

Evidence of God’s Greatness! He sent a double rainbow instead of just rain. See Facebook post here: https://bit.ly/2C2C5cI

That was a great push from a great God — a push to be finally healed on my depression and a push to be a content creator for Him alone, that, by the way, is one of my deepest dreams.


The Unexpected Double Rain[Bow] on a Life in the Desert

I finally had the healing and the new beginning that I am desperately seeking for the whole two years of that journey.

It happened last October 26, 2019, two days before my twenty-second birthday.

That day gave me a blast — a figurative double rainbow blast!

The First Rainbow (Light TV Meet & Greet for Online Influencers: #LightTV #MeetAndGreet)

Last October 16, 2019, I got a slot on an event organized by Light TV: God’s Channel of Blessings through the life of one of my brothers in Christ, Kuya Nestor Layderos.

Official poster of the event. Source: https://www.facebook.com/SirNext/

The event was called Meet and Greet for Vloggers, Bloggers, and Influencers.

This event was held to allow the online content creators to know the people behind the Light TV shows. This is also an opportunity to partner with them and to promote the God-centered shows behind the channel.

I met awesome people who were passionately creating and utilizing communication media for God’s glory.

In the morning session, different partnerships from other media and channel outlets made by Light TV: God’s Channel of Blessings were presented.

In the afternoon session, the programs under the banner of Light TV: God’s Channel of Blessings were introduced.

For the whole day, God allowed me to meet Christian content creators who inspired me to write more for Christ. Kudos to you all, folks!

CONTENT CREATOR PARTICIPANTS: MJ Espinosa of Ang Kristiyanong Blog, Aaron Adajar of Millenial for Christ, EJ Fabro of Ejiology, John Cueto of Larawan at Kape, Leser Embudo of LEScovery Channel, Mark Glenn Ronquillo of Glenndong Balentong, Maria Fatima Tuazon, Marc Cuya, Joshua Lescano, Mark Eco, Art Jason Del Rosario of Addie’s Cutie Channel, and Mary Ann Santinlo.

Light TV: God’s Channel of Blessings, which remained committed to being the only wholly Christian television station in the Philippines, victoriously finished the event.

Participants with Kuya Next Layderos and Sir Rene Gonzalez, general manager and officer-in-charge of Light TV: God’s Channel of Blessings.

As one of the participants of the said event, I was pressured and overwhelmed to be part of it.

To think that I just started my writing platform almost two weeks ago, I whispered to God like a prayer, ‘How did I even deserve to be here, Lord? I think I don’t. But thank God, your grace is awe-inspiring. I won’t let you down, Lord. I will write for You alone.’

I’m thankful. No, not just thankful. I’m blessed and overjoyed!

Not only that we were showered by knowledge and opportunities, they even gave us token so much that I can hardly carry them.

I thank God for Zoe Broadcasting Network and Light TV: God’s Channel of Blessings for making this first rainbow possible.

The Second Rainbow (JILCW 41st Anniversary: #JIL41OneInChrist)

The Light TV Meet and Greet for Vloggers, Bloggers, and Influencers won’t be possible without the main event of that day, the 41st Anniversary of our church family, Jesus Is Lord Church Worldwide.

Three o’clock in the morning that day, I was already awake. I was filled with an expectancy of what the Lord will do for that entire day.

An hour later, I was already traveling from Batangas City to Luneta Park.

When the anniversary proper started at five o’clock in the evening, the intense feeling of belongingness and fellowship of a family in Christ filled me.

I was overwhelmed with joy and expectant heart.

The longing for healing and revival enveloped me especially when Bro. Eddie C. Villanueva, the spiritual director of our church, was praying for the congregation.

The words from the Lord through His life was planted to me.

“If we are in Christ Jesus, we are considered as Abraham’s seed, and therefore considered to also receive God’s promise.”

-Bro. Eddie C. Villanueva

I cried hard — never letting go of God unless He blesses me. I prayed the prayer of Jacob with an expectant heart and desperate soul.

And so God answered. And that was the second rainbow He gave.

Nette’s Blog

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“What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.” (Matthew 10:27)

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