Conscious Rage
Have you ever asked yourself why when you are pissed off at someone or something, you can feel such intense, violent energy that fills all your body? Have you ever wondered what to do with all that? I can guess you have even thought that you had lost your mind. In any case, I would sincerely tell you that you are not alone on this, and you are not crazy at all.
It all started when I was thirty-nine years old and had two little kids, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old girl. By that time, my life was already a ciaos, everything around me started to taste sour, life was a total complain about me. I stopped caring about myself and what have brought me joy; and instead, I started focusing on my children. Let me be specific, being with the kids was and is something, I have always dreamed about; however, the way I was doing it was not enjoyable anymore, I was insanely depressed and out of control.
I was in a relationship with the father of my kids for twelve years, in which love, respect, connection and trust, was not present. I choose him and he choose me, and from there, we started creating such an unbearable situation, one that lasted more than a decade.
Now, you could be asking yourself, why all these nonsense? Why keeping such a hard and complicated life? Why not finishing it even before having kids? Why kids did not bring the love and the beauty that many people say? And ….what all these have to do with conscious rage?
After feeling so depressed in my own bubble, with no-one to talk that would understand how to support me, I took the leap and decided to participate in a three day workshop about feelings and emotions; and, how to navigate them responsibly. I did not have any idea of the context or the type of experiments I was going to be exposed to. All I can say is that, I surrendered myself to the process and let the unknow become my hope.
To my surprise, I started opening the Pandora box, which was been sealed for years consciously and unconsciously too. I discovered the other parts of me that were hidden under my good girl face mask. Shouting, raging, crying and freaking out was my experience during those three days. It was scary to see how much emotional trauma was trapped in my body even before I was born. I could not believe I could possibly lived those moments in my childhood. My mind had completely erased them so I could survive.
At this training, I learned that childhood’s traumas are one of the reasons of why we are mentally, emotionally and physically sick. All those feelings that we did not get to feel and express, stayed trapped for years until as adult we exploit and everything come up messily and unexpected.
It is a sad story for me to say, that in the name of love my mom and all others around me taught me as a child how to suppress my feelings. That only joy was allow and all others feeling were a symptom of a problem to be fixed. I would cry and my mom would come to me super hysterically and stopped from liberating myself telling me "Don't cry anymore, everything is going to be ok, I am here”. I was also told that being angry was not ok, that it was like being crazy, or not educated for a beautiful girl to behave like this, insane and out of control.
Right now, I as I write this article to you, I feel anger of being in my own bubble full of emotions waiting to be expressed, seen and heard. I did not know nothing about feelings and emotions in that moment even as a adult. I only saw that it was an ugly and dangerous scenario.
I spent my life having terrible problems expressing my anger. I would be afraid to telling people I loved, how angry I angry I was. Fear of hurting them I was carrying the burden of being responsible for what they feel, consciously or unconsciously, I was manipulating their feelings to my benefit. Because of these, I did not set boundaries, I was the nice girl, the victim, while deep inside of me, all that anger was piling up and creating a body full of resentments, hatred and disconnection from my tribe, from my friends, from anyone who would cross the line of respect that I never draw.
It was definitely crucial for me to find a way of regaining that connection with others around me, before I would lose them forever. That’s why I started doing a type of emotional work, specifically called “Rage Work”. It is a type of work in which I learned to have access to my pure and clean anger energy, through consciously escalating it, with coaches holding a save space to go deep.
At the beginning of these trainings, my body did not react to “go into full anger for no reason”. It was used to receiving the order of “hold all the anger that I possibly can”. The transition from unconscious anger to consciously feeling my anger has transformed me into a new human being. I want to point out, that in no way, this work was done using magical wand, this work has taken a everyday serious commitment. It has required that I am consciously aware of feelings, emotions, triggers and more from myself and others as well.
Learning how to get access to my conscious rage, have allowed me to discover my source of power and creation, that inner energy that makes me step out of bed, and do things even if I am afraid. I have started to regain vitally by having the clarity and being responsible for my feelings to say what I want or what I don’t want.
I cannot emphasize more the benefits I have received from doing series of conscious rage work. In regard to my relationship with my ex-partner, I made some shifts from blaming him and complaining constantly to taking the lead and be the first to go.
I have also started looking directly into people’s eyes and say things I don’t accept even if I are afraid of their reaction. It was magical to see how I have used this energy to take responsibility for creating what I want, and we all have that inside, we just have not build the muscle to believe it yet.
With all these being said, I invite you to experience rage work, to take your authority back, to not be adaptive to what your society, religion, culture, parents or even your partner said it's the best for you. I invite you to look deeply inside of you what is that thing that you really care about, what things you have left behind for fear of being judge or kick out of your community. Take the leap and spread you wings to the unknow, only you can make this choice, to be the owner of your life; and I will see you in the other side.