How Do You Talk About Wanting to Die?
(As if it is not clear from this title, this comes with a serious TW for suicidal thoughts. Please read with caution.)
It’s not like I’ve held back with those close to me about this. It’s no big secret. Because of my Facebook posts I’m sure former high school classmates know more about it than they want to or really should.
At almost every moment of the day I’m aware I want to die.
It’s not as if I am actively suicidal. I have not made a plan, I do not have materials ready to go or a date set. I’m what’s known as “passively suicidal.” It means I have ideations but I’m not about to do anything.
Sometimes it’s more annoying than anything else. I’m just minding my business and the thought “I could just slit my wrists” goes through my mind. It’s intrusive. It interrupts whatever I’m trying to concentrate on and I move on.
Other times, like the past few days, it’s scary. That’s when it’s more overwhelming and I can’t just idly let the thoughts pass. It’s when I have to really remind myself of the reasons I promised myself I won’t do it: I can’t put my family through that, I don’t know what would happen to my cats, I can’t let Dick Cheney outlive me, there’s still a chance of MCR5 being released. It’s when I start to get logical with myself about not having a good method handy so it’s not worth thinking about. Sometimes it’s when I actually try and reach out but I’ll be honest with you and say I’m still hesitant to do that a lot because I don’t want to bother people, I don’t want them to think I’m attention seeking and really I don’t think there’s much they could say that would alleviate any of it.
I’m in therapy and it helps. Sometimes. I’m on medication and I wish it did more. But every time I get switched around it’s another case of an adjusting to a new medication and it not doing more than keeping me from breaking down completely.
I honestly don’t even know if this is a thing people talk about anymore. Depression feels so ten years ago. People have moved on to new mental problems and I’m stuck with a gauche diagnosis. We can’t even call it “retro” yet. We’re in the middle of an emo revival but it feels like nobody wants to touch on the mental health stuff that came with it.
I haven’t died yet. Obviously. I don’t have any intention of dying and I take precautions (there is a good reason I don’t own a gun or have a driver’s license). Sometimes it’s less that I want to die and more that I just don’t want to be alive anymore, a sentiment I’ve seen shared online by others. And I don’t say any of this to scare people or make them feel bad, I say it just as a fact.
I want to die. I want to be dead and not have to deal with being alive anymore. Life gets too hard and I am just tired of having to pick myself back up and deal with it. And there’s no good way to talk about it with just putting it right out there.
