Performance
Heather Rinn — February 28, 2019
I’ve always been an overachiever — over involved in sports, band, clubs, leadership, and academia. My upbringing and experiences taught me that my self-worth was directly tied to my performance. So when I came into relationship with Christ in my 20’s, this false belief easily transferred to my relationship with Him too. My training made it easy to begin doing all the “right” things as a Christian and follow the rules, but I would wonder every time I read that “the Lord looks upon the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7), unsure of what He was finding there.
There’s an emptiness to constantly putting on a facade of perfection and I lacked fulfillment. I believed the promise that “he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things” (Psalm 107:9), but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to work hard enough to make me feel better about myself before God. It didn’t matter how many Bible studies I attended (or led), how many services I attended, or how many ways I served at church, the hollow feeling persisted. I could easily recite that God’s grace can’t be earned through works — Romans 11:6 tells us, “But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace” — but I had no idea I wasn’t living that and I definitely didn’t know how to begin living it.
My restoration began when the Lord started healing my image of Him. I started to accept that not only does He know and see me, but I don’t have to earn His love — “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you” Jeremiah 31:3. I allowed my shame to slowly be undone through sharing with Him even the hidden parts of myself. Right there, in my honest admission of how I genuinely feel, is where I’ve found my greatest transformations. When my will conflicts with His, I no longer ignore it or deny myself — I take it to the Lord, get really honest, and struggle and wrestle with it there in His presence, asking Him to align my will with His. I have found such a freedom in leaving perfection up to the Lord and just being entirely myself.
Piece by piece, I’ve been dismantling my performance-based life: authenticity required, mistakes allowed. Progress is slow, but seeking Him has become much more natural and less of a checkmark on my to-do list. I don’t obey for acceptance or validation; I do what is in my heart and follow Him in response to His grace. Psalm 11:14 tells us that “in (His) presence there is fullness of joy; at (His) right hand are pleasures forevermore.” It is such a gift to finally feel the freedom that comes from genuinely walking with the Lord.
Stay Connected
Website: https://newcovenantmb.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/newcovenantmb/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/newcovenantmb/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/newcovenantmb
Spotify: https://spoti.fi/2jLMOze