Lessons Learned in a House Divided

NewFounders
Jul 10, 2017 · 5 min read

Guest Post by Alexandria Onion

I grew up in a house divided — and no, it wasn’t the friendly, light-hearted kind, like a dad who’s a die-hard Ohio State fan and a mom who’s a Michigan Wolverine. I’m talking about the ugly kind of house divided: Republican vs. Democrat. It’s the kind of house divided that’s ended in shouting matches at family holidays, funny looks from neighboring tables at restaurants, and CNN-style debates while watching the evening news.

My dad is a staunch Republican. (Although he’ll now tell you he’s a “moderate” after voting for his first Democrat in a local election a few years ago. The candidate was running for circuit judge, and also happened to be our neighbor and close family friend.) He grew up on a farm in central Illinois, and is a small business owner who is fiscally conservative and concerned with protecting the assets he’s worked hard to build over his entire career. He’s been politically active for as long as I can remember, receiving frequent invitations to dinners with George Bush, Condoleeza Rice, and other prominent Republicans.

My mom, on the other hand, has leaned further and further left in recent years. While historically she’s identified as a moderate, even voting for both Bushes, she’s now become a full-fledged Democrat. She grew up in St. Louis, and became an ordained minister a few years ago. As a female in a male-dominated profession, she focuses heavily on issues of equality and social justice, like providing permanent housing solutions for the homeless and fighting for a livable minimum wage in our hometown.

My parents are part of a rare breed of married couples that have a mixed party affiliation. According to a recent study by Yale professor Eitan Hersch and Catalist chief scientist Yair Ghitza, 70% of couples are made up of people from the same political party, while only 6% of marriages are like my parents’: a male Republican married to a female Democrat. In our divided political climate, opposite-party marriages are becoming less and less common. So how have my parents accomplished this nearly unheard-of feat, and how has our family managed to stay functional?

It hasn’t always been easy, and it probably won’t ever be. Somehow though, we’ve learned how to coexist. We certainly don’t have all the answers, but we managed to survive under one roof. In fact, my parents just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary this year, and though we all live in different states now, my brothers and I remain close friends. While we are known for putting the “fun” in “dysfunctional,” for the most part my family has learned to adopt an “agree to disagree” policy. Through all the heated discussions, late night arguments and political debates, we’ve learned a few things along the way:

Think for yourself

Both of my parents are incredibly intelligent, connected to local causes, and passionate about doing what’s best for their community. So as you can imagine, they raised three vocal, headstrong children. Experiencing two differing viewpoints when we were young exposed my brothers and me to many opposing ideas, encouraging us to consider the pros and cons of each topic and in turn become highly opinionated individuals. While our parents may not align politically, they always agreed that my brothers and I were smart enough to form our own unique perspectives, and never forced their beliefs upon us. My parents’ respect for our own opinions taught us how important it is to think for ourselves, and to not just agree with whatever our family or friends say. As a result, my brothers and I carefully consider and stand behind our political leanings.

Listen

This one doesn’t always come easily for my family, but we always have better discussions when we agree to listen. While it’s easy to erupt into a screaming match where everyone’s talking over each other, those conversations never get us anywhere. A good rule of thumb is to listen as much as you talk. For every idea you share, take a step back and listen to one idea from the other person. If you need a talking stick (or fork, or pillow, or pencil…), use it! It might feel silly at first, but if it helps you share the soapbox, it’ll be worth it.

Research

There are benefits to having your political beliefs constantly challenged by your family members. When someone’s always questioning you, you need to know what you’re talking about. Did you get that fact from a reliable source, or from a meme you saw on Facebook? You better know the answer, or someone is going to poke a hole in your argument as fast as you can say, “let me Google that.”

Do the research. Your argument will be infinitely more credible, and your discussions will be based on fact instead of conjecture. If you’re in the middle of a conversation and you don’t know something, look it up. My family has been known to follow up a political debate with a lengthy email that includes supporting facts. It’s dorky, but it works for us!

Agree to disagree

Sometimes you just have to know when to walk away. You can talk until you’re blue in the face, but there are times when you’re just not going to find any common ground. Most of the time, it’s not worth estranging all of your family members just to get a point across. With as much respect as you can muster, leave the room, end the conversation, take a walk, take a nap…do whatever you can to cool off and gain some perspective. And once there’s no more smoke coming out of your ears, remember that having different opinions is a good thing — that’s what makes our country so great in the first place!

Vote

In the echo chamber that social media has become, it’s easy to feel like everyone agrees with you and that elections will go your way whether you vote or not. Growing up in a mixed-party house was a great reminder that not everyone is on your page, and that it’s important to make your voice heard. All of our family debates are pointless if we don’t go out and act on our beliefs. So we remind each other to vote, and not just in the presidential election. Smaller, local elections are important too, and have a bigger effect on our day-to-day lives that many realize.

Never miss another election! Download NewFounder’s EveryElection app to keep track of the ballots in your district and find out where to vote.

Alex holds a B.A. in Communications & Culture from Indiana University. Say hi on LinkedIn or Twitter, or send her an email at aonion19@gmail.com.

NewFounders is comprised of design, tech and innovative thinkers that believe in unity through problem solving. See more at www.newfounders.us.

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