Making Your Heart Great Again

As you may already know, I’m not a career heart surgeon. I’m not burdened by the latest fads in technique or “peer”-reviewed B.S. journal articles. That kind of thing is for people who have been around these boring hospitals too long. I’ve been very successful, more successful than other heart surgeons, in business, which, let me tell you, takes a lot of heart to make as much money as I have.

When you’re sick in your heart, you should come to me because I have the best instruments. Solid gold instruments. When I get in there, your chest is going to look like one of these rap guys’ mouths. My scalpel is so good, it practically does all the work for me. I don’t even have to be in the room that’s how good my scalpel is. These other guys wish they had my scalpel. Did I mention it’s solid gold? Heh heh.

Also, I have the best degree from the most prestigious heart college in the country. In the world. It’s amazing how good this degree is. It’s not one of these degrees that makes you some nerdy lab guy in a white coat going “nah nah nah I’m so smart” and not making billions of dollars. You’ve probably never even heard of the place my degree is from that’s how good it is. It’s the best. I have it in a gold frame that I bought will all the money I made in business. I keep it in my office at home.

We’re not going to worry too much about your post-op care. The important thing is we get in there and start taking out these sickening blockages. They’re killing you, these things. They’re disgusting. Disgraceful. They’re making your heart look like a joke. Your heart is a joke. You don’t want that. Where did they come from? Who knows. Someplace foreign. It doesn’t matter. What matters is we take them out. Them and everything around them. If I have to take out the blockages and your spleen and part of your liver or even a lung, if that’s what it takes to make your heart great again, that’s what I’ll do. I guarantee it. 100%. When that’s done, then we’ll start thinking about what to do next.

These other surgeons, they’re jokers. You know when they do a heart surgery there are like 5, 6 other people in the room, tops? When I do a surgery, hundreds of people come. Thousands. Hundreds of thousands of people sometimes. I have to do my surgeries in the middle of Michigan Stadium and broadcast it on satellite so many people want to watch me do surgery. Way more than these other guys. They have, what, a couple of nurses and that guy who keeps you asleep? Is he even a doctor? Pffft. Forget that. I’m great at keeping you asleep. But honestly, honestly…I’m so good you won’t even need to be asleep. I don’t need that other guy. And these nurses. Don’t they have anything better to do? They could be my wives, for sure. Some of them some of them I wouldn’t kick out of the call room, I can tell you that. The other ones? Dogs.

Look, you won’t have to miss work or anything. I mean, come on. Come on. I’m making you better. These jokers? Over here? They want you to feel sorry for yourself. They want you to lie around the hospital costing the taxpayers money so you can “heal.” Come on. I’ll have you back at work the next day. Good as new. You want to run up the stairs in the Empire State Building? Go ahead. That’s how good I’ll fix your heart.

And to be honest your heart issue isn’t that hard for me. I could do it with my eyes closed. In fact, I will. Just to prove a point. I’ll cut you open, fix your heart, and have you running marathons the next day, without ever laying eyes on your ticker. I’m serious. Look, I’m closing my eyes right now in preparation for surgery. Can’t see a damn thing. You go ahead and take off your shirt and get up on the desk.

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