My parents have retired. My mum is a hyperactive, church going, community activist, energy ball extraordinaire who hasn’t quite registered what retirement entails. My father is the flag that follows the wind. He is cool, calm and knows better than to interfere with the energy belle. We both fear her, as much as we love her, but of course we will never admit it. Despite the threat of Corona, she has continued to go to church, un-bothered, because her faith will not be shaken. I am shaken, not from lack of faith but because Covid-19 is a beast to all nations. I also listen to the Lords’ voice screaming loudly in these times saying, ‘my people perish from lack of wisdom’. Although I am faith-filled, I am stuck with the reality of grappling with the stream of information coming through on the daily from various sources and being un-shielded from being cheerfully delighted by the tik-tok videos popping on my Instagram feed( I don’t know how I would survive without them! Keep them coming!). My survival tactic was to get supplies early before the panic button was pressed and to speak calmly about measures required at the household level, but alas, no level of education, both yours or your parents will shield you from the plight of African parents dictating the story of life. Corona who? If you are unprepared to raise your parents, like I am, please raise your hand. Please put it down! This is not church, you don’t need to actually put it up! But if you have been having a hard time locking down your parents and getting them to understand what social distancing is, raise your hand in your heart. Just your heart. Now, repeat these words after me, ‘Lord, I surrender to you!’. Ok, maybe we all need church. If calmly explaining to your parents that your cousins’ dowry ceremony, your uncles get together are all non-essential activities, and whatever social event that has been the bain of your existence, you are not alone. If social distancing (to be fair I honestly had no idea what this was six weeks ago, so a bit unfair to expect my parents to know…but I digress) seems like some disease brought down from West via China, I have some remedies for dealing with your African parents.
1. Use your upbringing
Remember all those wise cracking phrases they spent their lifetime using against you? Now it is the time to use them for payback! Tread carefully, they can still disown you. You want to be using the light ones and avoid the ones like, ‘Do you want me to repeat myself?. Instead try ‘Just because your friends are going out, doesn’t mean you have to! Are you your friends? What if your friends were jumping in a fire pit, would you do it to?’. My favorite one has been, ‘Do you want Jesus to come down to tell you himself to stay home?’. I still wish I could use, ‘I did not raise you to be foolish’ but I love my life and even though I fear Corona, I still high key fear my parents much much more. All African children do, when they tell you otherwise, they are lying. We may have momentary bouts of courage, but they are not life long nor are they long lasting. Momentary being the operative word. May you find the courage to make your momentary bouts of boldness count. God speed!
2. Invoke Jesus
Anything with Jesus either at the beginning, the middle or the end, works. Make sure you have a few actual bible verses for good measure. Get intimate with the word and use it as the weapon that will help you prosper. Doing this, all while preventing a Church visit on Sunday will be an absolute win. If they tell you about dressing up to go to that dowry event say, ‘Get thee behind me satan !’ in as dramatic a fashion as you can muster. If going to church is the issue, remind them, ‘ God is within us’ or for an absolute champ of a win, here is the bible verse to help you wither their defenses and help you weather this storm. Use, Isaiah 26:20 ‘ Come, my people, enter your chambers, and shut your doors behind you; hide until the fury has passed by’. If your parents are not in equal measure confused, proud and defeated by this word, then you need to strengthen your relationship with the Lord. Make sure you memorize that verse. It is fail safe. And remember, you are not made from the spirit of fear.
3. Confront Covid cousins
School and work have shut down for a reason. It took bold leadership to make such drastic decisions. It is not the time to start visiting old people. Stay with the young ones you chose to chill with in early days when Covid-19 was a rumor and you were out partying like a rock star. Has it been 14 days since you went clubbing? To a house party? Please don’t visit my old humans in these days. Call them, send them mobile money, pray for them. The only visits we are rooting for are from the holy spirit. My tactic has been to set up an outdoor sitting area with a handwash station and sanitizer. If at all people choose to visit, then have a set up ready for appropriate distancing. We cannot control everything, but we can take preventive measures.
4. Negotiate with terrorists
Yes, ideally you can invoke the phrase, I don’t negotiate with terrorists, but recognize that negotiating is a skill that we African children learn from a young age. From the time your parents told you, you live in welfare and you are poor and it is their house, they had been preparing you for this moment, to realize that you can and will negotiate with the people that terrorize you the most. They could withhold blessings, they could decide to say you were bought from the market, there are many painful prospects, but endure and take the precautions needed with brevity. Explain, plead, educate, re-educate and do not give up! They didn’t give up on you when you needed a diaper change, or when you got expelled from your fifth school. Do you think raising you was a walk in the park? No, so serve your karma with patience and grace, a dash of fear mongering and lots of love. They deserve it.
5. Fuel their fear
If persuasion, negotiation and coercing has not worked, use your African storytelling skills. Make this as real and as vivid as possible. I mean, it’s not that difficult. Send pictures of what is happening around the world and personalize it. You know how some of you have killed your relatives as an excuse to get off work? Well, now is the time to kill your colleagues’ relatives for a good cause. Tell them long tales of horror. Covid-19 is a horror show anyway, there won’t be many colleagues’ relatives that you have to kill to get reality to hit home.
6. Supply the goods
Its all good to give advice but ensure you put your money where your mouth is. This goes out to all the penny pinchers who put their aged parents last. Shame on you! How many bags of sugars have you consumed in their lifetime? Double down on your duty and supply what you can.
7. Deploy your doctor cousin to your parents
That one medical doctor relative will be of use in these times. Without them, you will get the perpetual, ‘Are you a doctor? did you not decide to not pursue medicine and chose to be an entrepreneur?’. Don’t let sharp retorts defeat you. Your entrepreneurship choice is fine and it is what has bought them sanitizers. Protect your peace from pettiness. Remember you’ve known each other all your life, so they know what ammunition to use to weaken your resolve. Persevere. Don’t let them deflate your courage. This is a great opportunity to strategize. Deploy the doctor cousin, to speak to them. They are a trusted voice. Give your audience what they want. If they want advice from a doctor, then so be it. Even if they say the same thing, it is the source that matter.
And finally, be still. Love them. Nothing dies where love lives. You will prevail.
