The friend that shitted herself.

I love love love GNO (girl’s night out) with my friends, mostly the ones that can keep up drinking with me or willing to drink with me. GNO usually consists of dinner, the pregame, clubbing, mingling, munchies, laughing our asses off, going home and KTFO. Well this night that I went out took an unexpected turn.

It was Saturday and I probably woke up at 11AM, got ready and waited for Jamie to come over for brunch.

*vibration noise

Jamie: I can’t make it to brunch! Let’s move it to dinner, I have a couple things I need to take care of and I just woke up.

Me: Sure, just text me, I’m going to go grab a small bite.. I am staaaarving.

6 PM rolls around and no text or call from Jamie, I’m thinking what a bitch, at least call me you hoe so I can eat dinner before we go out tonight.

*vibration noise

Jamie: Sorry! I’ll just come around 8 so we can go out, I got caught up in some stuff.

Me: Ok, I’m going to eat dinner now.

7:30 PM *vibration noise

Trixie: Wanna go create tonight? It’s **** birthday.

Me: Ok, can I bring Jamie and Tiffany?

Trixie: Yeah, Mark and I will be at your house at 9:30ish

Me: Ok, pregame at micasa.

Trixie and Mark are a couple that I usually hang out with on weekends and third wheel with but I don’t mind, I’m like their unwanted drunk child. I texted Tiffany my roommate that we were going to Create Nightclub and Jamie to update her on the plan and to get her ass to my house already. They both text back ok and the usual “What are you going to wear tonight?”

8 PM rolls by and Jamie is finally at my house, I just had a small dinner and ran outside to make sure she was able to get parking. We both go inside and Tiffany is on her bed texting, instead of getting ready we sit around gossip and talk. Now it’s 8:30 PM

Me: Fuck, we need to start getting ready! Trixie and Mark are going to be here in an hour.

Jamie: oh shit, okay.

45 Minutes later

Me: Bitch get ready

Jamie: ok ok

Tiffany: I’ve been ready, it’s you hoes that’s lagging it.


Trixie: We’re running late so we’ll just pregame in the car, I have alcohol, bring cups, we’ll be there around 10PM.

At this point, I’m running around my room and the bathroom trying to put my face on and semi do my hair. I went to my usual go to outfit, lace bralette and mini black skirt. Jamie is wearing a cute long sleeve romper and Tiffany is semi matching with me.

Jamie: I’M HUNGRY, ugh, I’m going to make mama noodles * boils water

5 minutes later…

Trixie calls us at yelling to get into the car because we’re going to be late to meet up with everyone.

Jamie: Fuck! I didn’t eat yet!

Me: Turn the fucking water off!

I lock my apartment, say bye to my cat Toby and run out the door with cups and chaser.

Trixie: Someone get directions!!!

Me: Make a left and just go straight till you see the freeway.

Trixie: I’ll just turn on Waze before you get us lost.

Me: Fine, I’ll just pour drinks.

We’re getting on the 110 at this point to get to Hollywood, with Mark driving; four of us are able to pregame in the car before we get to the club. Trixie is our DJ in the car and Never be like you by Flume comes on.

Jamie: * sings I’ll neverrrr be like yOUUUUUUUU

Mark: Dang, we got Prince in the house tonight

Half a handle of vodka later and the chaser all gone, we arrive to the parking lot of Create and I’m fucking shitfaced but still able to walk and know what I’m doing. Trixie’s friends arrive and we all introduce ourselves and get into Create together. As a “casual” drinker, first thing I did was take a piss in the bathroom and wait for Jamie and Tiffany to finish. We walk out together and signal each other to go to the bar to grab a drink.

An hour passes by and four cranberry vodkas, a couple of shots, mingling around, talking to strangers about my tattoos (I don’t know why, but every time I go out, my tattoos tend to start conversations for me), dancing with my girlfriends, I am tired and super fucking buzzed. Jamie is fucking shit faced, Tiffany is sleepy and Jamie looks at me and sloppily says “I need to peeeeee.”

I give Tiffany the eye and mouth the word “RESTROOM”, we huddle through the crowd and enter the restroom. Jamie runs into the first available stall and Tiff and I are able to get other stalls. I finish pissing a waterfall and go wash my hands and meet up with Tiff at the sinks.

Me: Where’s Jamie?

Tiff: I think outside..

Me: Ok, let’s go check.

We both dry our hands and walk outside the restroom, no sign of Jamie.

Me: Fuck dude, is she still in the bathroom?

Tiff: Maybe she’s pooping..

Me: But she didn’t eat anything.

I run back into the restroom to the stall Jamie was at and I could see her from the sides of the door that she was FUCKED UP, what I failed to realize was at that time she was sitting on the toilet with her romper on. I knock on the door and yell “Jamie! You have to get out, you’re going to smell like shit!”

No response.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Tiff, do you have a hair clip or something flat?” Tiff hands me a quarter and I’m able to unlock the handle and go in the stall with her.

I did not realize this hoe pissed herself at all the time, she’s sitting on the toilet with her head down facing my vagina and I’m trying to wipe her face because there’s drool coming out. She starts making vomit noises so I throw a trash can in front of her. I’m finally able to get her up and out of the stall, she’s walking in front of me with the help of my guidance, my hands are on her arms while she’s stumbling.


I look around and down and didn’t see anything but I could fucking smell it and continue to walk Jamie out the bathroom. As soon as we reach the exit of the bathroom and try to go back to Trixie and Mark who were on the other side of the club, security pulls us and tells us to get the fuck out the CLUBBBBB.

When security kicks you out cause your friend is too drunk, you can’t fight it. He watches as Tiff, Jamie and I leave the club and as we’re outside I tell Tiff to call Trixie and Mark and let them we got kicked out because Jamie was too drunk to function. Hehe.

Jamie isn’t able to walk to the car and sits down, I’m watching her so she doesn’t lay down on the cold ass floor plus security outside were watching us. Slowly enough… she starts to lay down like a fucking bum.


Tiff: what? What are you talking about?

Me: What do we do?

Tiff: I am not touching her.


Five minutes later, security comes by and tells us we can’t be here that we need to leave.

Security: What’s wrong with your friend?

Me: She just drank too much, we’ll leave.. Jamie, Jamie.. wake up we have to get out of here. Come on

Jamie: uuuuuunnnnnn

Tiff: The security just went to get the paramedic guy..

Me: What? Fuck! Jamie, wake the fuck up! Let’s go! You can’t afford the fucking hospital bitch.

Tiff: Come on Jaaamm — — ugh fuck, she smells, I’m going to stand over here.

Paramedic Guy: Hi girls, what happened?

Me: She’s just drunk, she’ll get up in a bit.

PG: It looks like she soiled herself.

Me: Yeah.. but she was just drunk? (I really couldn’t think of an excuse.)

PG: I’m going to call the paramedics, she’s not responding and her pulse is low.

Me: what? Low? She’s fine, she just needs water and some wipes.

PG: No, it’s protocol, if she doesn’t respond I have to call the paramedics.

Trixie and Mark walks out and see what the fuck is happening. I tell them what happened and Trixie starts giggling like a child, I’m still in shock cause I know Jamie can’t afford a hospital bill so it wasn’t a funny matter YET. The ambulance arrives and three paramedic s come, I couldn’t even look at them because there was a line of shit going down Jamie’s leg.

They got out the ambulance, saw that shit, and all put gloves on.

PG: She’ll be at **** hospital, you can meet her there.

Me: Ok, damnit Jamie, you weak fuck.

Mark drives us to the hospital and I tell Trixie, Mark and Tiffany to go home and I’ll get a Lyft in the morning, I take Mark’s robe that I found in the backseat with me.

The receptionist tells me she’s not ready to be seen yet so I would have to wait until she’s ready for visitors. I sit in the waiting room and put the robe over as a blanket and fall asleep, an hour passes and the receptionist informs me I can go in and see her. I find her room and the first thing I smelled was fucking shit. Her clothes were stripped off of her and bagged in the corner with her shoes. She has an IV going through her and I noticed that this bitch was laying on top of a pee pad.. that was when it became funny. This fucking hospital didn’t want to touch her or clean her, so they put her on top of a pee pad and just stuck a needle in her.

Long story short, she wakes up delusional as fuck, starts to panic and I tell her what happened, from that day on, she hasn’t been out.

OHHH. When we were going home by catching a ride from Lyft, the Lyft driver smelled the shit and turns the AC on and leaves her windows half way down. lol

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