My Own Riptide

“All the suffering, stress, and addiction comes from not realizing you already are what you are looking for” ● Jon Kabat-Zinn

“I heard the news today — Yeah i know what your friends all say — That i’m gonna go to hell, they’re all probably right -I just wanna go to hell my way — I just wanna do it my way” ● Everclear (New Disease)

“Saving my life — It’s not what you’re doing — I, I won’t justify — The way I live my life — ’Cause I’m the one livin’ it — Feelin’ it, tastin’ it — And you’re just wasting your time — Trying to throw me a line — When you’re the one drowning — I like where I’m at on my back — Floating down in my own riptide — The water is fine” ● Sick Puppies (Riptide)

In the three decades of my life, I’ve experienced — and have been fortunate to survive — a great deal of memorable, momentous, and monumental experiences that few aren’t-so-lucky to have been blessed with; trouble is, I never felt I deserved any of it.

Call it what you will, but either way you cut it, it’s plainly self-destructive & self-defeating… though it lacks the humour of self-deprecating jokes or jovial misfortune that befalls some our favourite underdogs — you know the type, awkward, gawky, pseudo-nostalgic-super-imposed-archetypes whose goofy stare and general lack of coordination go right for your heart — and overall perhaps comes off a bit cliche. Oh well.

I’ve made the decision to remain anonymous for a couple reasons — I’m sure you can guess that perhaps coming out and saying I’m not-so-mentally-stable to the point that I’m an addict, recovering-alcoholic (notice the lack of that same adjective adverb from the preceeding one), and have an issues with my physical & emotional health. If that doesn’t suffice, then this probably isn’t the blog for you.

I’ll tell you know that none of my lifestyle choices are glamorous, though I often — when I am honest with friends, colleagues, or family and tell them what I’m about to share with you — when I elaborate on them, people either are genuinely (or feign) surprise/shock, since according to Facebook (insert cliche here) I’m-so-fucking-happy-I-must-be-shitting-rainbows… truth is, all that glitters is not gold. Aside from that, I’m also going to make it clear that if you, or someone you love is struggling with what I am or have struggled with, it’s important to discuss it with them, and ensure they have the support & love needed to get the right help. Resources are available whether it be in your town, city, district, region, state, etc., and can be easily found online — the hard part is actually doing the work, though I have to say, the hardest part is actually making the call.

What I’ll share with you will mostly be blurbs about my life, my journey, some of my history, and my take on this-whole-thing we call Life. I can’t promise you help, nor will I recommend what worked for me worked for you…. unfortunately, this isn’t a one-fits-all-adventure. Perhaps I’m drawn to blog because it’s an outlet that journaling doesn’t give me; perhaps it’s a sick-and-twisted preoccupation with the fact that my story can’t be the only one; perhaps it’s just some weird idiosyncrasy or voyeuristic predisposition. Whatever it may be, here it is — and what I can promise you is that I will be mostly-candid, and I’ll try to at least convey something of a silver-lining.

Some of us suffer from the P-predisposition: perfectionism, over-promising, preoccupation, procrastination, and then paralysis; I’m no different, and out of all diagnosis that I’ve heard over the years, this fits me perfectly in it’s own imperfect way — I’m addicted to addiction, fueld by a sense of forever-failing, and committed mostly to destroying myself, suboncicously or consciously.

I welcome any comments or feedback, and may from time to time respond to questions, however, I’d like to make clear that I’m not perfect & time-management isn’t my forte. Hey, at least I’m getting it out of the way now.

Anyway, whether you find humour or hedonism, solace or sarcasm, insight or idiocy in this work, whether you come once and never return, or return time and time again to watch (or read) this train-wreck-of-a-life I call this rather-crazy-reincarnation, we’re in this together. And for that, I wish you well.