One thing I believe is that everyone in this world is living with their own type of OCD. Come to this point, I would assume that OCD is just another characteristic of one, however, being repeated more frequently than others. Not all OCD requires serious treatment, some types of OCD are fine to live with, some are even a good thing, some can be healed by one’s self…

For me, I used to have OCD, with my shape. Sometimes looking back, I must admit how fool and crazy I was. Sadly, now I’ve overcome it, I notice some of my friends are having that same problem.

Here’s my story.

Ever since I started studying Fashion, I have a constant love-hate relationship with it. Long before being able to acknowledge that the core values of fashion are creativity, enthusiasm and individuality, I was into trends. Very often, we mistake ‘fashion’ with ‘trends’, and, to be in fashion, one must be constantly on trends. We crazily follow trends just to end up seeing ourselves blend in the majority, of course, once it’s trend, everyone would dress the same, showing the lack of creativity and individuality. Frankly, following trends is such a type of FOMO, you don’t dress because you’re a real enthusiast, you dress just to gain a certain level of social acceptance. As trends are fast changing, soon you will feel tired and pointless. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Even worse, I pushed myself to be in the thinnest shape like the models I see on the runway. To be honest, I was obsessed with size 0. I watched way too many collections out every season and the only way to fit in any style is to be in size 0. Confidence at a time was all in the skinny shape. I first started eating healthy but not long after that, I starved. Consuming over 1000 calories a day would be a disaster. And eating only an apple could make you gain 1kg, yeah, that’s how I was. Of course, I was able to fit in anything and looked good in every picture. But in reality, everyone claimed that I was too thin, I could visit hospital anytime soon. But I was a fool, I ignored what my beloved ones said. But it didn’t last long. There was a period when my brain basically didn’t work and I felt tired all the time but couldn’t sleep. Remember, sleeping also consumes energy. Plus with massive workload of being a student and also, full time office worker, I was at my worst. I knew it’s time I have to seriously gain weight. Of course, next, I experienced the period of time whenever looking into the mirror and seeing a ‘fat’ girl, I felt hateful. But due to the lack of nutrition, my brain never let me starve myself once again.

Along with the effort to gain weight, I also had to learn to appreciate who I am, in order to develop a better version of self.

Me struggling with my perception was already exhausting, I also faced a lot of criticism. Fashion community is sick at some point. Small talks often begin with ‘oh hey, you’re skinny, you look so good’; otherwise, ‘hey, you seem to gain weight, huh?’. And so easily, you just wanted to give up for receiving some negative words. Every night, before bedtime, I take time to appreciate myself, not for how I look but for what I achieved on that day instead. I could have starved myself and done nothing. But then, I could eat like a human, and work like a real enthusiast. I prefer the second option. I never intended to make myself on the runway. I’m not a model, I no longer mistake. Now, even I don’t want to design, because I don’t encourage the wave of size 0.

Fashion, for me, its ultimate purpose is to complement any body type. I promise that If I were not able to educate everyone to love themselves, I would never be the one who draw such an illusion. For being so sick of trends, I would love to create something that has lifetime values. Otherwise, I’m satisfied with being anyone in fashion, a writer, a stylist or just an enthusiast, not a designer following trends.

Sometimes, I still catch my old self in somebody, could be my friends or my colleagues. I wish we could spend time sitting down and having a real conversation, I would tell them my whole journey, that I don’t want to see them experience what I’ve been through.

‘True beauty comes from confidence and self-sconsciousness.’

Write it down here to remind me.

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