Fu$k, Fu$k, Fu$kity Fu$k

I am well aware that my mother would not approve of the title thank you. But right now, despite my usual passive tendency to try and create some version of me that would please her, I cannot be fu$ked.

My life and everything that I have worked for, literally, full-time worked for in the past 31 years, has come undone. Jeez thanks coronavirus. I know that there are millions of us in a similar sinking boat and I am so thankful mine is still afloat with my family all safe and warm inside. And that there are people whos’ metaphorical boats are sinking faster and faster into the terrifying unknown. But, gosh darn it, why?

I have been in full-time employ since I graduated high school at the tender age of 16, I worked in retail for a couple of years whilst studying my pre-nursing course and as soon as I was eligible, I signed on for a nursing career that would last from 1990 until 2001. I reckon everyone ought to join an advertising agency for at least a little part of their lives and so that is what I did for a briefish stint. Ok, 9 years in total, less than a decade, so just a blimp in the grand scheme of things.

Eventually I was gloriously made redundant from the dark side. I spent some time as a full-time Mumma, part-time voluntary worker which turned into part-time paid worker and when everything became a little too comfortable, I decided to start up my own business. As you do.

Now if you’ve ever started up your own business, no matter what scale, you will know it becomes you. You are the business and it is you and there is only a miniscule amount of separation between the two. I have fed my business as it has fed me. I have shared life stories with my clients as they have shared with me. I have had late nights of worry and early starts of motivation and afternoons of frantic. And after 4 years of this co-existance, I have been told that I am no longer able to practice. I must shut my business down. I must say goodbye to the faces who make my day and I must re-think the life I knew.

The life where I paid the bills and sent my kids to music lessons and went out for lunch occasionally. The life that I never really took for granted, no ex-nurse ever does, but the life I had created with the belief it could not be taken from me without at least a bloody decent fight.

Fu&k you Coronavirus.

And now what? Who is this new me? The irony is this life had already started shifting towards something else with an ease that felt effortless. I have developed an interest in energetic medicine, totally beyond my ability to explain at this time and yet the new learning feels natural to me. Almost as though it has been waiting for me to find it whilst I stubbornly looked elsewhere. My old life, from yesterday, allowed me to pursure my growing interest in finding out more about this magic. But this new life, from today is wondering where this leaves me now? Towards the magic or further way? Have I hit a Universal iceberg or am I simply changing route?

If anyone knows, can you let me know too?