STOP PEOPLE-PLEASING!
One of the greatest self-betrayals is people pleasing… doing things so that others wont feel put out, they wont feel inconvenienced.
I used to be a master at that!
I learned that that’s how I got people’s approval.
Don’t rock the boat. Keep it comfortable. Gotta keep it harmonious.
I was so completely blind-sided by my motive to win people over!
Approval seeking is a natural human habit that few escape… It was necessary back in the days when humans need to be accepted in packs in order to survive. Our reptilian brain is programmed to prioritize acceptance from others. So unless children understand from a young age when this is dysfunctional as opposed to aligned behavior (few kids truly start out with the benefit of this learning) they wont even realise how against their true nature it is.
It’s learned in the school yard — play with Tammy so you don’t upset her, follow Jack’s rules otherwise he will be put out (and you’ll pay for that!), Jane wants to play tag so play that game with her even if you want to play with a ball.
Kids do it and adults do the exact same thing.
“Play the game and you’ll get ahead” — that’s what I learned.
“Sure I can meet you there”, “no problem that you’re late…. again”, “yes, I’ll do that for you”, “yes sir, no sir, 3 bags full sir”.
It makes me so sad to remember that now.
Now I PRIDE MYSELF with my selfishness. It’s sacred. In fact “sacred selfishness” is one of my favorite terms I ever heard.. from a beautiful online friend called Lila Simmons (thanks Lila!).
Here’s what irks me though… the “yes people” — the ones that agree and people please.. they really go out of their way for others … and then air their frustrations about how ungrateful that other person or people were.
The truth is that YOU get to choose… you get to decide if it feels aligned and comes from the heart… and you get to check in ALWAYS to what your true MOTIVES are for each action you take.
Believing that someone owes you something is the greatest prison you will ever live in (believe me, I can attest to this more than the average person!)
Unconditional giving is freedom.
Obviously, sometimes, we bend over backwards for people we love.. and it comes from the heart… and without condition. That’s beautiful. That’s not people-pleasing. That’s flow, alignment and deep love.
But the “I should do that for them” when we know we don’t want to… EUGH! FORGET IT! It doesn’t work. It’s measured and calculated and dysfunctional! It never ends well.. except in a series of measured dysfunctions and co-dependency.
The other area where people do things they don’t want to is when they believe they owe something to somebody… guilt can be the cause of serious misalignment.
The real truth is… that when we really don’t want to do something but still do it…. it’s because we don’t have the guts to communicate honestly.. it stems from cowardice. OR.. we believe we need something from them, so we “keep them sweet” (this is dysfunction on steroids and it’s rampant!). So instead we use that person as the reason for our stress. We blame them.
Blame is a cop out.
Freedom only works when we take 100% responsibility.
So try this instead:
“I’m not available for that, sorry.”
“I’m not prepared to do that, sorry.”
And sorry isn’t even necessary.
An explanation isn’t even necessary.
A simple yet powerful “NO” will do the trick.
Then breathe into the fear if there is some.. and trust they will deal with it.
The most common beliefs to let go of when you do this are:
- “I need them to understand”
- “I need them to not think badly of me or talk behind my back”
- “I need them to still like me”
This gets easier when you remind yourself how LUDICROUS it is to live YOUR life through someone else’s ideas, thoughts and actions.. it makes absolutely no sense.
They don’t know you.
They have never been you.
How can they know what’s best for you?
Instead TRUST YOU!
Be YOU.
Choose you and choose freedom.
But take responsibility for that and make sure your actions align with the freedom you so value.
It can take courage… but it’s so worth it.
You CAN change a lifetime of conditioning that has left you feeling like a victim.. but it’s up to you to change that pattern.
You are letting people know in every moment how to treat you.
You are letting people know in every moment what you will tolerate.
So get clear first on what you are prepared to accept.
Get clear on what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate.
And then HONOUR that .. day in and day out.. at all costs.. because you TOTALLY can create the life you want.. but only if you choose to.
Want help with claiming and owning your power?
Email me at niamh@niamhk.com for the different options available for me to support you with the future you.
Your reality can change in an instant.
Never doubt that!
Love Niamh xx
