Anxious heart. Saving God. Amazing man.
So I wake up thinking, “Aah it’s going to be a good day!” I get up thinking I am going to get everything done and then it hits me: the anxiety. What am I forgetting? Am I going to get through the day? What if this happens, what if that happen?
This my friends is my life, my daily fight with anxiety that comes with mental illness.
It gets so bad that some days getting dressed is a problem because I am constantly worried about what other people are going to think or say. When nothing feels right on because I don’t feel right. When I think and feel like “What am I even doing? I'm just going to mess everything up anyway.”
Recently I have been faced with some beautiful and exciting times which for most people are just full of joy and happiness. For me, it has sent me into a flat spin of unequivocal proportions. It has spun me into a place of pushing and making things worse for myself and the wonderful man God has brought to me. It has caused me to not want to eat or sleep, and I constantly feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. Anxiety has become my best friend in this time - which is a very hard place to be. I have ended up pushing my real best friend away and allowed this monster to take His place. This is even harder to face when you have hoped and prayed for this time and endured days of pain inside waiting for a promise to be fulfilled. The promise arrives in all it’s beauty and love and suddenly you are sent into a pit. A dark, sad place of wanting to be alone and run away from the beauty.
How am I going to get out? How will I fix this, how do I get rid of this terrible monster who has caught me by my neck and is holding me against the wall?
The pit just becomes deeper until you look up.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6
“Don’t be anxious my Darling one I have got you.”
This is a voice I hear in the pit, in the wilderness that I find myself walking in.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
I have a plan my Lovely one just trust Me. My timing is perfect, it will happen just keep your eyes on Me. Don’t let this monster overtake this season of beauty I have set before you. Does a flower grow overnight? I have you in a time of preparation, prepare your heart for what I am doing. I am the great I Am, the one who created the World, do you think what I am doing is not possible?
For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” Romans 8:15
You are my daughter precious one, I have not put that anxiety within you. I have this all in My hands. I am carrying this. I have a plan, let me work. Have faith My darling flower you will one day stand shining beautiful and lovely. I have purposed this for you, my Princess.
So I put up my hands and allow God to pull me out of this pit. It is a daily thing, and every day He is there with His mighty hand waiting to pull me out.
Living with these thoughts in my mind on a daily basis is hard, but I have a God who is always there and whose word is true and keeps me going. I am so grateful to God for forever pulling me out of the pit.
I am beyond thankful to my wonderful boyfriend for his patience with me when I get overtaken by this monster and lose my faith, Thank you for always giving me the space to find it again and for guiding me back to the cross every time. I am so privileged to be walking this road with him and being led by a man who loves God more than he loves me and only wants to do things the way that God wants it. And when he looks at me and says it is all going to be OK… I know I can trust him.