June 6th 2016

It’s late afternoon and he is still getting high. His therapist called earlier telling me he was going to send officers over to do a wellness check since he hadn’t shown up for detox this morning. I assured the therapist that he was not suicidal, just using crystal meth and isolating.

Therapist says, “I was sending the police, not to punish him, just to check on him since he expressed concern about his son leaving. Are you aware he has a gun in the house?” I shook my head yes as if he could see it through the phone. The therapist continued, “ I need to alert you for your safety.” I told Therapist that I was aware and if I felt unsafe I had a safe place to go. We ended the call with try and get him into treatment today. He can check-in at any time, they are aware he is coming.

Yesterday seemed so promising, we had such a great day, at first. We laid together and laughed. But then, he made a run to the laundry mat, and during that 20 minute timeframe, he decided he wanted to use before treatment. He actually text me and alerted me that he scored THE meth.

When he walked in the door he was super stoked. He had all these bags and goodies for me. He wanted to kiss and hug and eventually I ended up in his bedroom on my back. The shame is real. Today, I feel used, ashamed, a total enabler and angry.

But why, I was the sober one who fucked him, again.

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