I Think about Taking my Life every Day
So I’ve been asked a few times about my “daily thoughts”, and whether or not they’ve changed since I started getting a grip on my depression & anger.
To be honest, they haven’t…
I’ve just gotten better at dealing with the thoughts…
I still think I’m a dumb piece of shit when I fail — I just don’t let that stop me from trying again nowadays.
I still think about all my past mistakes, the people I hurt purposefully to “get ahead” — I just don’t break down and drink as much liquor as my financial situation allows.
I still think I’m going to fail before I’ve even started — but I give it a shot anyway and pretty much fake the initial confidence.
I still think about taking my life, every single day. In the past these thoughts dominated my focus and would send me in an emotional spiral. I would get angry at myself for having these thoughts when I was living such a fortunate life. I would feel immense guilt towards my family for wanting to solve my problems in such a heartbreaking manner.
Now… Well nowadays I accept that those thoughts are going to be around forever. It’s a saddening truth but I’ve come to learn from many successful people living with depression, that the suicidal thoughts never go away.
However, before you start feeling sorry for me and others fighting depression — there is an upside. Even though these eerie thoughts still make their way into my conscience, I treat them as if they were someone else’s thoughts — a second Nick if you will. I know that those thoughts aren’t born from my true personality, they are a result of my fears and obstacles in my path. Knowing this, I can almost chuckle at some of the thoughts I used to have when I realize how much unnecessary power I gave them.
So for those wondering if you can train your mind to never think such chilling thoughts, I have some disappointing news I’m afraid.
They don’t go away, they just have a sprinkling of the air time in your mind compared to the usual prime time status. The positive thoughts you develop eventually give you the strength and confidence to dismiss the negative thoughts and carry on with the vision. Over time we come to accept that the thoughts are nothing more than another obstacle to overcome, not a vital part of our personality.
Of course we need to keep in mind that I am not an expert in this field. There are still numerous lessons to be learned and I’ve only just begun the journey, but I hope this sheds a little light on what the beginning looks like.
If anyone reading this is going through a similar experience, please know that you’re going to make it. I promise that you can live the life you’re picturing during those down times. I know it feels as if you’re trapped in a bubble whilst the rest of the world lives its happy life, never realizing what you’re going through. I know there are days so bad you end up seated in the shower weeping, just hoping that the pain will pass. I know it feels as if you’d be burdening those you care about by sharing your situation, remaining quiet as to not be selfish.
I know it hurts. I know there is an in-explainable physical pain that comes with those chilling suicidal thoughts.
But I also know it gets better. It might take a sickening amount of work mixed with countless lifestyle changes — but that’s what it takes.
It’s worth it I promise. Take it from someone who actually attempted a suicide — it’s not the way out. It really isn’t.
I was lucky to fuck it up — please don’t be like the old me. You’ve got too much to offer the people of this world to leave. You have far too many skills at your disposal that could help millions of people to give up on yourself.
I don’t care what your thoughts are telling you, you are fucking amazing. You can achieve anything you desire. You are the best at something. Please don’t give up on yourself, the world needs your love and energy now more than ever.
I hope that you have someone to talk to about what you’re going through. If you don’t or maybe you’re not comfortable discussing it with those in your life — please know I’m here to help in any way I can. Please feel free to discuss anything with me, regardless of whether or not you’re looking for advice. I know it’s weird because we don’t know each other, but I’m here jut in case. I know what it feels like to be alone with your thoughts, and I never want anyone feeling that way ever again.