I want

Nick Crate
Sep 3, 2018 · 2 min read

OK, so I’m doing my best to own my issues. I’m (mostly) avoiding dwelling and I am in a good place at work and I am doing a reasonable job of husbanding and fathering. But still I’m left with some frustrations. I am left wanting things which are not always achievable. Other things are attainable but I am not making huge strides towards nonetheless. It’s easy to make excuses, especially when your excuses are genuine. ‘I have an incurable, degenerative neurological condition is a cool excuse but I need to stop stopping myself from doing what I know I should do. Man up, Nick!

I wrote down my ‘wants’. Here are some of them:

I want to be able to concentrate for a reasonable period. At the moment I cannot manage a movie in one sitting.

I want to not get hung up on a particular thought and have it running around and around in my head. Sometimes I get ‘stuck’ on a particular thought now. It can get in the way.

I want to be able to sleep like I used to. Still a problem and the sleeping meds I have knock me out for the following morning so I don’t like to use them.

I want to have energy when I want it. I don’t.

I want my moods to be stable. Sometimes my mood drops out from under me in a way I know is dopamine-related. Understanding makes it more tolerable but it still blows!

This first lot is PD related. For the most part I need to come to terms with the fact that I will most likely never again get what I want when it comes to these things. You notice that none are movement related? I should be grateful for every day that movement related drama doesn’t appear on my ‘I want’ list.

I want to be available to my children when they want me. I lack the energy or the patience at times. Some of this is down to broken sleep.

I want to be less fat. I have put on too much weight over the last two years and I am unhappy with it.

Similarly I want to exercise regularly. I’m not a dummy, this leads to slimmer, happier Nick. But also I have seen that it helps me sleep. When put in these terms I’m an idiot to not exercise properly each day. But still I make excuses.

I want to be the man I want to be.

So here they are. The things I want that are within my power. These are the things I need to own. No excuses. It’s amazing how simple these look when written down. And obvious. Yet the mind is fabulous at self-justifying and pushing things back for manana. I have a faulty brain but I don’t need a faulty mind too! The pushback starts here.

Nick Crate

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42 years old, educator, ex-pat, family man and Parkinson’s sufferer