When I Wake Up

When I wake up,

It’s not because I want to live my life,

I wake up because I think of/remember all of the people who care about me,

I have to DRAG myself out of bed because I would rather stay in bed than have to LIVE everyday,

And when my feet hit my ice cold tile floor ,

My back is killing me because I slept in a ball that night,

And my eyes still sting from the rivers that flowed down my cheeks and the oceans I cried just so that I could sleep,

And I get out of bed because I know if I stay in bed the people I care about and love might begin to worry about me,

And I think to myself,

Well if my days WON’T get better then I might as well put on a SMILE that HURTS to wear just so that MAYBE I can make someone else’s life WORTH LIVING!

And even though I’m an emotional wreck and no matter what I do I can’t seem to get my life straightened out,

I still want other people to be okay,

And honestly,

My head is a war zone,

A battlefield where each part of myself is tearing another apart,

Where next to nothing makes sense except for a few facts,

The girl I love will never love me,

What I write saves me from my death,

And that some people in my life actually care about me,

They care about me as a student,

A friend,

As family,

And those people I could never forget,

But my rage is uncontrollable,

My heart is beginning to shatter,

And my mind is nearly broken,

And soon there will be nothing left of me except for an empty smile that hides the fact that I am anything but okay,

It hides my bloodshot eyes and my back that is nearly on fire,

And it protects the world from having to see the truth in my eyes and instead let’s the world see the lie on my face,

And that same empty smile is the smile you see everyday,

Except for when I laugh or hear/read poetry I love,

Or when I sit next to the girl I love on our bus,

Or when I walk into my first period English class every weekday,

But nearly everything else in my life has seemed to be a lie,

A lie that likes to live on my face and tell the people I love and care about that I’m okay,

When really I’m screaming for someone to save me from myself,

Screaming for someone to save me from my mind because I just can’t do it anymore,

And that smile fills my mouth with empty promises and broken truths,

And it fills my mouth until my true voice can’t be heard any longer,

That smile is what I put on everyday just so I won’t hurt the people I care about and love as much as I would without it,

Because the bombs I drop onto myself would crush anyone near me,

But as the day goes on and I drop more bombs of self hatred onto myself,

That same empty smile seems to serve as a bomb shelter to protect everyone in my life from me,

And that same empty smile is still on my face when I get home,

Except for when I’m alone,

And it says on my face until I know that my house is asleep and won’t be woken,

And then I lay it in my dresser drawer as I open my curtains and cry towards the stars,

And in my dresser drawer it hides until the next day,

When I wake up all over again